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I wake up everyday and I canít imagine how I got into this state: the redundant
state of regularity. I always said that ďno matter what, I will always stay
happy.Ē I know a lot more about what makes me unhappy these days than what
actually makes me happy. Iím not talking about what makes me laugh or what makes
me smile, for Iím not dead, and I still experience normal human emotions. It has
however been a long time since Iíve done something that has truly made me smile.
I know what you are thinking: "this guys is on the edge", but if you knew me and
saw me daily, I almost always have a smile on my face. Many people consider me
to be the happiest person they know, but can you tell the difference between a
happy smile or someone smiling out of obligation?
Lately I have felt this disconnect from those closest to me, and often I feel,
like I am all alone. There are numerous times I get in my car and I just want to
drive and leave this life, in hopes that one day I will find the life that was
destined for me. Where would I go? I am not sure, but I would hope that wherever
I go, I would find true happiness.
Why would I be looking for happiness and not looking for love? I am no longer
searching for love (like most people in our world), for I have fully experienced
true and unconditional love (if there is such a thing), and love is a luxury
(like a new care) that eventually (no matter how hard you work to keep it new
and fresh) wears out with time. Though most people will never admit it, seeking
love gives one hope that if they donít have it, they will one day be blessed
with love from another. And this love will bring happiness to their life or give
their life purpose. However the true question is: "What good is true love
without true-happiness?" I ask myself this question daily.
Maybe it is this world we live in, it seems that nothing is good enough anymore.
You must always strive to get more, and more, and more. More money, more cars,
more clothes, more shoes, more degrees. The more you have the better you'll
feel, right? Well I have a nice house in a great booming neighborhood, a nice
car, a great IT career, a wonderful wife and two beautiful children, but the one
thing that has eluded me in this life is true happiness. I'm sure there are
those that can understand how I feel and those that may think I'm crazy, but I
think the first step toward resolving any challenges we are faced with (in life)
is to admit there is a problem, and do all that you can to find a
solution.........what's my solution? I wish I knew.
December 1st, 2005
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