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Flirting with Fire
by
Heidi Yang
4/10/08
“This is where we are, this is where we've been, this is how I fall in love with
you again, where did I go wrong? I can't be your friend...” This is the Sound,
The Last Goodnight
Well I've admitted it, I still have feelings for Justin. Worse still he has
feelings for me. The good news is that neither of us will advance further
because we know the consequences. But that's also the bad news. Guess I'm still
as cliched as ever, then again...no I'm not going to say the thing about artists
being their worst critics shit I just did. Oh well, serves me right, 'cause it's
true.
“There are certain people you just keep comin' back to, she is right in front of
you, you begin to wonder could you find a better one...sometimes the hardest
thing and the right thing are the same...” All at Once, The Fray
Why am I tempted to call you? Is it because you said you would be up all night?
Is it because I'm bored and lonely and need someone to talk to? Is it because I
want you in more ways than one? Is it because I'm listening to The Fray and I
want to procrastinate on my homework? Something tells me all of the above. Damn,
guess I really still have feelings for you. I thought I wasn't still in love
with you, but damn it I guess I have to admit the maddeningly obvious; I am.
Damn damn damn. Why am I in love with someone I shouldn't be? Curse this Scorpio
zodiac sign of mine. If I was just an ox then this wouldn't be happening right
now. Is this some sort of cruel test God? Because if it is, then it's not a nice
one. And damn it what are you trying to tell me by testing me like this? What
are you trying to tell me? That you can love two people at the same time? That I
have to love one person and not the other? That I can only be close friends with
Justin but not his lover? What? What do you want from me? What the fuck do you
want from me God? There's no weather clues here, only my raging hormones, my
confused and half broken heart, not to mention my rational head to hurt me. What
am I supposed to do? Hell maybe that's the whole point, I'm not supposed to do
anything. I'm just supposed to let go, to relinquish control. Okay God I get it,
just let you be the guide, you know how hard that is for me, nice way to test
me. Wonder how long this one's gonna last. Nice timing God, the week before Dead
Week, Dead Week and Finals Week?! What the heck is God thinking up there? I mean
really? If he's truly omniscient...then shouldn't he have better timing? Heck
it's probably my wishful thinking. Funny how certain songs like the one I cited
at the beginning of this section remind me of my current situation perfectly. I
mean not only could it not have been more perfect timing, but this proves that
God is sneaky he really is, or maybe I'm just hallucinating or reading too much
into God's 21st century abilities, who knows.
“Everyone knows I'm in over my head, eight seconds left in overtime.... I'm
losing you and it's effortless” The Fray, Over My Head (Cable Car)
4/13/08
Heidi Yang
How I wish that statement weren't true. But I know I can control my actions, I
know that part of me doesn't want to, that part of me wants to wreck a good
thing. But the other part of me, the rational part of me, knows that is a very,
very bad idea. I know that if I don't that not only will I hurt David, somehow I
don't yet know how, I will end up hurting Justin, I will also hurt
myself (possibly beyond repair.) One may wonder what in the world I am talking
about. I have this strange tendency to form evil plans. I guess it's not really
weird, we all have a good and a bad side. The difference is knowing which side
to listen to and when. My problem is that I tend to listen to the evil one a
little too often. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't carry out these evil
plans of mine. I wish I could say that I've stopped, that I know better by now.
The truth is I do know better, and I've stopped, hopefully for good, but the
truth is, that it may only be temporary.
The current evil plan is this: do something innocent that isn't innocent with
Justin, that may or may not make David break up with me (or vice versa) so I can
go out with Justin. I know very well that I should not act on this. I know that
Justin will not allow me to act on this, so why the hell am I even considering
it? Is it just because I still have feelings for him? Yes I think it is. I think
that for now I should just stay away from him. I mean not complete avoidance as
Justin and I are good friends but I shouldn't put myself in a position in which
I may try to put said evil plan into action.
“It's me, well I can't get myself to go away. oh God I shouldn't feel this way
no,...Reach down your hand in pocket pull out some hope for me...it's been a
long day... “ Long Day, Matchbox Twenty
4/16/08
By Heidi Yang
I wish life could just be easy sometimes. But then again everyone wishes that
from time to time. I mean if you had to consider breaking up with your
significant other of two years and two months I imagine you would want a
different life as well. Then again maybe I'm just being a whiny bitch. Perhaps I
am, and I just need to shut up. I guess it being finals time I ought to just
shut up, to be honest I really ought not to expect sympathy from anyone.
Everyone else is stressed from papers and tests while others are graduating, in
fact a lot of my friends are. Which should make me sad, but it doesn't; I think
it's because the shock hasn't hit me yet.
As for my own life? Hell I just don't know anymore. There are just some days I
wish I wasn't me. I'm sure that right now I'm beginning to sound and write like
some hackneyed thirty-year old has been who never got anywhere with their
writing and ended up with a job that doesn't suck but that they don't love
either. So I'm a cynic, so I'm a fucking hypocrite so fucking shoot me. I don't
really give a damn right now, and if I sound depressed right now it's probably
because I am. For one thing I haven't gotten around to refilling my meds (which
include my mood stabilizers/antidepressants whatever you want to call them) and
secondly this is usually when I get depressed. Why? Because all my good college
friends go back home. Home for them can be as close as Des Moines, or as far
away as Kansas City or Miami, but damn it, it's not close to me. Great,
apparently I'm self-centered too; just fucking great. And on to top it all off I
just realized that I'm wallowing in self pity. Sheesh guess all this stress
really is getting to me. But hey, you have to release it somehow right? What
better way then through writing? Fuck, there I go again being cliched. I'm
guessing whoever is reading this right now is wondering why I make such a big
deal about that. It's because one, being cliched doesn't get any aspiring writer
published, and two it's just bad writing anyone can tell you that.
What does this have to do with my relationship? Or in the case of the
aforementioned vignettes relationships? Well all this shit has made me really
stressed out and worried. All this shit has made me scared and fucking depressed
beyond any reasonable standard. Damn it I'm tired of it. I don't want to date
Justin right now, so I'm not going to consider it. Frankly I'm to the point
where I do want to stay with David but I just want to be in the relationship.
I'm fucking tired of 'working' on the relationship; even though all
relationships take work. I know that they don't take work all the time but
still...I guess the reason I've ended up being so whiny all of a sudden is
because of something that happened in my counseling session on Monday.
Here's what happened. My counselor Ellen asked me, “What's keeping you in this
relationship Heidi?” I sat there for a few long minutes then replied with a
sigh. “I don't know, I mean.. I guess.. I don't know..” After a few more minutes
of that I finally confessed that I originally thought that I wanted to marry
David, despite knowing that there are other guys out there that I can marry.
It's hard to give that up. I know that I could end marrying some other guy,
someone who is possibly more compatible than David or Justin, someone who is
nothing like either of them... but what if I don't? What if I end up alone? What
if I end up getting shunned once again because I'm different? Or strung along
just like in high school because I'm too fucking stupid to understand that the
guy was just playing a joke on me? I don't want that, I couldn't stand that. I
want to stay in my relationship with David because we are compatible in a lot of
ways and I think if we both try and we believe in each other and the
relationship we can make it work. I could say something about being cliched but
I'll refrain.
Although Justin loves his family, he hates his dad and while I understand why, I
don't think I could quite deal with that for the rest of my life (as I've
forgiven mine for his transgressions). Granted Justin's situation was
different (his dad physically abused his mom and mine didn't) but I see in Justin
too much of a person who holds a grudge for too long. I used to do that, and
quite frankly it's unhealthy. I learned that lesson the hard way, way too many
times. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that if David and I do break
up, I'm not sure I'll end up going out with Justin, even if I do, I'm not sure
it will be right away. The last word is, I'll just have to wait and see, which
is what I hate to do the most, but I guess it's the only option I have left.
Well I don't know if this whole crazy journey made any sense at all; I can only
hope it did, and I can only hope it held your attention, if not then I apologize
and you may now get off the crazy train of my life.
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