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You Left Me Here
by
Heidi Yang
Why did you have to leave?
You left me all alone to fend for myself
I wish it was as simple as a breakup
But it’s more than that,
Everyone left in never ending pain
Wish I could say it was your choice
That someone made it for you
But does God actually count as person?
If God is so compassionate then why did he take you from me?
Why did he give this disease that attacked your body until you couldn’t fight it
anymore?
I’ve found someone else by now
But is six months really enough time?
The truth is no time is enough time, because my world is empty without you here
Your parents still fight, they threatened to get a divorce
I told my best girl friend, she told me people often have marriage troubles
after a child dies,
Your dad was wrong, you shouldn’t have had to deal with this while fighting for
your own life
he should never have hurt his family like that
You were sick
He refused to transfer his job so he could get a promotion
He never took care of you,
It was your mom that did everything for you because you couldn’t
She made sure you got your meds and what little exercise you could
She was there for both of us when things got really bad
She was just as upset as I was when I came over to see you for the last time
You’ve left me for good and all I’m left is a jerk for a boyfriend who will
never measure up to you
No one ever will,
I wonder if he’s jealous of you
I try to think he’s not that shallow
He says he doesn’t care
He only brings it up because I don’t realize that I compare him to you
Why does he bring up in the first place if he truly doesn’t care?
I don’t bring up the fact that his own mom survived cancer
His mom didn’t want anyone outside the family to know
That’s fine,
How can you be jealous of someone who never got the chance to be bad, or
imperfect or a jerk?
They say at least we had a year, that we only had good memories
They are wrong
They weren’t there when we were both ready to cry when you had to leave for
Rochester for three months and again when you left for the last time
They don’t know the pain of losing someone they loved,
We didn’t have a year, they don’t know that you couldn’t hold out to our ‘real’
anniversary even though I know you would’ve wanted to
Now I’m stuck with a present and no one to give it to
I can’t give it to him because he’s not you, he wouldn’t appreciate it
At least now there’s a date
Set for your funeral
To say good-bye for good
How can I possibly stand the waiting?
People are surprised when I tell them when it is
May 12th, your birthday
As if it’s some shock,
Only those friends who understand me know why it was set so far in advance
Some ask if you were cremated
Of course you were
You left not only me behind, but your parents, your brother who was your best
friend, your two sisters, one who has a husband and two twin girls who just
celebrated their second birthday
and a foster brother, also married
At least you didn’t suffer when you died, not as much as I imagined in my head
But I never really got to say good-bye
It was too sudden,
When your mom called I knew something was wrong
I was so afraid that my intuition was right
That you were gone,
I was right, you died that afternoon, your dad got there just in time
They tranquilized your mom,
She thinks your dad should have been the one who was drugged not her
At least she dealt with it
He never did, (which is understandable)
Anyone who would emotionally abuse their wife at such time in their life
deserves a good beating in my opinion
Even my dad and step mom who didn’t know you so well say he should at least
apologize
He never has
Now everything’s a mess
I don’t want to hurt anyone else, but I can’t help it
Too many people know who you were and how much I loved you
I still do
I will always love you
Yet not enough people know your story
I will not rest until they do
You could’ve have been someone even more special than you were
But God never gave you that chance,
Was it supposed to be that way?
I often wonder about my own destiny
What would I do if I was suddenly in your shoes?
12/26/05
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