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Think
by
Jessica Protzman
Think
The other morning
I was watching you
Thinking to myself
About what you think of me
That I won’t make it to college
Everyone has always told me
That I can do whatever
I want with my life
That I’m smart enough
To do anything
But with you it’s different
You just sit there and tell me I’m dumb
Even though I won’t show it, it hurts
Someone that I look up to so much
Doesn’t think I will make
Anything of myself
Someone that I want to be like
Is meaner to me than
I could ever imagine
Sometimes I just wish
That you could just trust me
Even just a little bit
So that maybe someday
We could actually have a conversation
Or maybe you would actually
Come to me wanting to talk
And maybe I could help you
I know that will probably never happen
And I know that this is
Kind of immature
And I know there is
Nothing that I can do
Other than to just
Keep trying to be your friend
And maybe someday
You will open up to me
Saying how you really feel
that you were wrong for what you said
And maybe you would even
Sit there and watch me one day
And you would think about
What I think of you
Started to cry
I'm sitting here on the deck
Not knowing what to do
My mind is lost
In a maze of emotions
All these emotions are mine
And all are sad and confused
The knife sitting beside me
I hope will be used on my body
My feelings are going everywhere
I'm so confused
Again not knowing what to do
I pick up the knife
And slice my thumb along the side
Throwing it from hand to hand
Thinking about mom and the fight we had
And Matt with his girlfriend
Then about Michael
To try and figure out the problem
I then put the knife down
And once again
I started to cry
Again, I'm Lost
Everything is happening so fast
And I don’t know where to turn
My mind is spinning is circles
And my body doesn’t know what to do
My brother is gone
And Michael, well I just don’t know
All the lectures
All the pain
I sat a minute ago crying
Just bawling without stop
Now I'm sitting here at this damn thing
Again not knowing what to do
I sit and feel all the pain run through my veins
And see all the anger
My body is so confused
And I just don’t know what to do
Matt came home today
And just started to bitch at me
I sit there just crying
Taking it, no matter what
While at band camp today
Michael just starred at me
And now I sit here, just crying
Again, not knowing where to turn
I have no idea what to do
No matter what happens I just take it
No matter how much comes my way
I sit in amazement
Again I'm so lost
And everything seems blurry
Thinking about what to do
It just seems not to matter anymore
It will all turn out the same
Tears
Right when I started to belong
And I finally found my spot
It always has to end
Right when the fun begins
After I put so much work into this
It all has to go and end
So many tears fell from my eyes
And I met the best people in the world
I grew so much
And that’s awesome
I just realized how much I love this
And how much I really do love you
Every time I walked on that field
I always felt my heart jump
Because I knew, I was at home
And I figured someday I would get it
It sucks that I have to love something
That I’m not any good at
And I’m hard on myself
When I do one little thing wrong
I don’t have to worry about it
Because it’s all over
I did all that work to just lose another tear form my eye
Vodka
How can you choose,
What you did?
Alcohol over you own kids,
Why did you do that to me?
I have so much anger.
All toward you.
You’re the only one not seeing it
You’re never here.
Vodka isn’t going to make everything okay,
Yet you think it is.
Why can’t you realize,
You’re no dad.
I've never done anything like that,
How can you expect me to understand?
You try and tell me that you didn’t do anything wrong,
You say that you love me.
I try to make you understand,
That maybe I’m not perfect.
Yes, I make mistakes,
Not as many as you did.
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