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Closet Diaries
by
Joanna Rozo
"Andy?" I called out into the darkness while I knocked on his window. "Andy," I
tried to scream, but my voice came out as a whisper so I knocked louder.
The light went on and the window slid open. Most people would be very irritated
by someone waking them up at midnight but when Andy saw that my face was covered
in dried blood and bruises he immediately forgave me.
"Josh! Holy shit man! What happened? Did you run into Corey and his friends
again?"
I shook my head, unable to speak. He helped me into his room through the small
window. I stumbled from my fatigue and pain. "Did you walk all the way here?" he
asked concerned, for my house was all the way across town. I nodded still unable
to speak. If I wasn’t limping half the way I would have arrived sooner.
Andy walked me over to his bed and sat me down. He left the room for a moment
and came back with a damp wash cloth and a bag of ice. He handed me the ice and
started to wipe the blood from my face.
I held the ice to my left cheek, it was already swollen. Andy wouldn’t meet my
eyes but it was obvious that he ached for an explanation. Although I had been
beaten up many times before, it was usually because of Corey and his jock
friends.
"Can I have a glass of water?" I asked. My voice sounded small and weak. He set
the wash cloth down and left. I sat and stared at the full-length mirror on his
door; I didn’t even recognize myself. I used to look in Andy’s mirror a lot (I
don’t have a full length one at home) I remember the look in my eyes was that of
a small, confused boy, and my posture was awkward and nervous. But right then I
couldn’t decide what I was seeing in my eyes, and though I was sitting down, I
didn’t look like a small child.
He returned with a large glass and I drank it without pausing. I set the glass
down on his night stand. He waited for me to say something.
"My dad, he, he found my journal," was all I could say.
"Your dad did this?!"
I nodded; my head hurt with each movement though more than an hour had past
since my father hit me. "I can’t believe this; I mean I know your dad is
homophobic, but how could he do this, and to his own son?" Andy stood up and
paced back and forth, he cursed under his breath.
"He was drunk."
"That’s no excuse!"
"Calm down. I’m okay, really."
"Okay? You could hardly crawl through my window—something you’ve done plenty of
times. Did he break your leg too?"
"No, my leg will be fine. He has been very upset since he lost his job at the
petroleum company," I don’t know why I defended him, part of me wanted to go
back home and punch him in the face.
"Being upset doesn’t give him the right to—."
"I’m okay, really," I cut him off. Andy sat down again and put his hand on mine.
"I’m sorry for freaking out, but can you blame?"
He could never understand my father’s hatred for me. His parents knew he was gay
and they were fine with it. But my dad was not that accepting. My dad was stuck
in his old fashioned ways. He grew up in a town where gay bashing was accepted
and probably took part in some of the violence himself.
"Is it alright if I stay here for a couple nights?" I heard the desperation in
my voice, it sicken me.
"Of course it is. You’re lucky my parents are away this weekend." His parents
were always okay with me spending the night, but they never let us sleep in the
same room. His parents always seemed to away too. If one of them needed to
leave, the other would follow; it was like they couldn’t be separated. Even when
Andy was still middle school I remember him being alone for an entire weekend.
If it wasn’t his dad on a business trip it was his mom needing to stay with her
sister for a few days, because her husband liked to leave a lot, and she wasn’t
trusted to live on her own.
Andy looked like he was about to cry even though he had been beaten up worse
without shedding a tear.
"I’ll be okay, don’t worry," I tried to reassure him. We weren’t dating anymore,
but I knew he still cared about me. Our relationships had ended a few months
earlier but I sensed he still longed for the past. We were still holding hands
so I squeezed his hand gently as an attempt to cheer him up.
"Do you want to talk some more or just sleep?" he asked as he swallowed the rest
of his tears.
"Sleep," I answered. He tucked me into his bed, and then grabbed a pillow and
sleeping bag out of his closet. He shut off the light. I heard him try to get
comfortable on his uncarpeted floor. Then I listened as he sobbed. I hated that
he could feel my pain. I wouldn’t have gone to his house if I had another friend
to turn to.
When I awoke Andy’s sleeping bag was empty, but I heard the kitchen radio
playing my favorite station. I stumbled out of bed and limped to the kitchen.
Andy was at the stove making scrambled eggs. I sat at his small round table. My
body still felt weak.
"Don’t just sit there, toast some bread," Andy commanded. I got up from my seat,
despite the pain. I knew his kitchen fairly well. I easily found a white loaf of
bread in the pantry. I placed for slices in the toaster. I opened the fridge and
got the butter. "Get the juice while you’re there," he said as he set the table.
I ate more for Andy’s benefit than my own. My stomach was still unsettled, and
my swollen cheek made me uncomfortable, but Andy tossed glances at me.
When I finished eating he started to talk. As usual he tried to use words to
bridge what he didn’t understand, but I couldn’t listen, couldn’t concentrate on
him. My head felt unusually heavy and I found myself staring at the wood grain
of the table.
With each breath I smelled the coppery scent of blood left around the corners of
my nose, and the skin on my face was stretched tight. I picked up my glass, and
it nearly slipped form my fingers. My personal gravity seemed to have tripled.
Andy stared at me. I hadn’t heard a word he said, but I was pretty sure he was
talking about my dad. I knew he wanted me to be angry, self-righteous. He wanted
me to stand up for who I was.
But there was so much more than he realized. I wasn’t even sure that I accepted
it fully. I mean it was there, I couldn’t ignore it, but I still didn’t know if
it was right. I wasn’t even sure who defined right. I was raised on the Bible, I
used to seek comfort in it, but I was starting to realize that it damned a large
part of who I was.
It had been a while since I believed in that stuff, but the world seemed so much
more daunting without a powerful figure to look out for me.
The silence was stretching between us, but I couldn’t collect my thoughts.
I stood up quickly, stifled a cry as all my weight came down on my injured foot.
I had to grip the back of my chair to ward off a head-rush. Andy hurried over to
help.
"I’m OK," I muttered, "I just need a shower."
I hadn’t realized how uncomfortable I’d been until I felt the dried sweat coming
off me in torrents of hot water. It took a while to get the bits of dried blood
out of my hair.
After I’d cleaned up as well as I could I stood for a long time just letting the
warm water run over me. The water splashed around me and blocked out the sound.
The steam rolled up to hide the world; I felt a fleeting contentment away form
the reality I had to face.
I closed my eyes; I paid attention to only the sound of the water. The drops hit
the floor with a clash and an echo. The intense blast made my head pound; I
reminded myself of my father hung over.
I opened my eyes and looked down at the bruises. I replayed the cause of them in
my head. My dad pushed me backward; I tripped on the coffee table. On the floor
for a while before he pulled me up and dragged me up the stairs. He threw me in
my room—where I tripped again.
That was when my mother stepped in and told him to stop. After a slap in the
face she gave up. It hurt me more to see him hurt her, then to feel his hand hit
me. He pulled me up again and threw me against the wall. My Johnny Depp posters
fell to the floor.
I wanted more than anything to hit him back—I’m not sure why I didn’t. I some
how got him out of my room and slammed the door in his face. I locked the door
just before he pounded his fists on it. I hid under my bed like a child. My
knees were under my chin, ear pressed against the floor, my skinny legs against
my chest.
I still heard the pounding. After a moment I realized that it wasn’t my
imagination, someone was knocking on the bathroom door.
"You still conscious in there Josh?"
I must have been in the shower for a long time. Getting to my feet I turned of
the water. Andy had left a clean set of clothes by the sink, which I definitely
appreciated. The shower had really helped; the hot water had washed away the
heaviness, though it left my bruises painfully tender.
"Oh good," Andy said when I walked into the living room. "I thought you were
trying to drown yourself or something." His tone was lighthearted but his eyes
wouldn’t quite focus on mine. I wondered if he was actually afraid that I was
suicidal.
"I’m going to brush my teeth, now that I can finally get into my own bathroom,
but what do you want to do today? My parents left me some money, so we could go
to movie or something." He was walking towards the bathroom as he spoke. I heard
him opening the cabinet and grumbling at the toothpaste tube which was
apparently out of toothpaste.
"Stop talking to inanimate objects man." I called from the couch. Andy seemed to
find enough toothpaste; his mouth was frothy as he came in to growl something
unintelligible through a mouthful of foam.
The phone rang suddenly and he nearly choked on his toothbrush. He gestured for
me to pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Andy honey, is that you?" It was Andy’s mother.
"No, this is Josh. Andy’s brushing his teeth. I think he’s running to the sink
now, he’ll be here in a minute." I said.
"Oh, hello Josh, how are you doing?"
"Pretty good," I replied.
"Everything’s ok over there then? I’m just, oh, this phone card is almost out,
tell Andy we’ll call around eight o’clock tonight, and Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"If you sleep over, I trust you two to stay in different rooms. You can use our
bed if you don’t want the couch."
"Alright," I said just as the phone disconnected. I hung up.
"It was your mom." I told Andy. "She said to make sure we sleep in separate
rooms."
Andy rolled his eyes. To him it was annoying but to me it seemed almost amazing,
proof that his parents accepted him.
"Well I’ve got to buy some groceries. Do you want to walk down to Rite Aid?"
Andy asked.
I shrugged. I didn’t really want to leave the sanctuary of the house, but I knew
that if we sat around too long the subject would come up again, and I really
didn’t want to talk about my dad, or when I’d have to go back home.
We moved slowly, my ankle was still swollen. Rite Aid was only a few blocks from
Andy’s house, but the journey had never seemed so tedious. I was glad when we
reached the parking lot, but Andy froze. I followed his gaze. Corey Smith and
three of his friends were standing around the entrance.
"You should wink at him." I whispered. Andy actually winced at the thought. "I’d
rather survive the weekend."
Andy was right. Corey could be pretty nasty when he felt like it, but I’d hate
to see him if he felt personally threatened. We kept our eyes averted and
thankfully entered the store untouched.
"Do you want some Dr. Pepper?" Andy asked as he walked towards the sodas, he
knew it was my favorite drink.
"Sure," I answered weakly. He grabbed a 12 pack. He handed me the soda and got a
basket. I followed him around as he got milk, cereal, orange juice, and bread.
He finished paying for his things when Corey and his friends appeared. I heard
them approach before I saw them. The daunting sound of their voices made me
sweat.
"Look who it is," Corey said, Andy and I avoided his eyes. But we had to turn
and face them to leave the store.
We got closer and Corey saw the purple bruises and dark red cuts I was covered
in. He looked me up and down; I could almost see the pity in his eyes. He had
caused me plenty of bruises before but this was far worse. His friends looked
ready to pounce.
"Come on guys, I’m hungry," Corey said and looked away. I had never seen him
walk away from a fight before.
"But Corey…" One of his friends started to say.
"I said come on." They moved out of the way so Andy and I could pass. Andy ran
and dragged me along as best he could, we didn’t stop until we returned to
Andy’s house.
We put the groceries away and sat down at his kitchen table. Our eyes met for
the first time since we left the store and we busted out in laughter, which made
my sides ache. We both knew my body couldn’t take another beating, and Andy only
five feet tall could never win a fight.
When our laughter finally ended I walked over to the living room and turned on
the TV. Andy grabbed two sodas and followed.
We sat down and handed me a can. I flipped through the channels quickly just to
annoy him; he hated not having control of the remote. He tried to wrestle me for
it and I almost spilled my soda.
Andy snatched the remote from me and I tried to get it back. He stuck it down
his pants.
"You think that’s gonna stop me?" I asked just to scare him. He quickly removed
it from his pants and hid it behind his back. I reached behind him and retrieved
it easily. Then I stood up and held the remote high over my head. Instead of
trying to jump for it he pinned me down on the couch. If my body wasn’t so weak
from last night he wouldn’t have been able to.
He wasn’t interested in the remote anymore as I was pinned under him. I wanted
to get up but my body wouldn’t move. I closed my eyes as he kissed my lips. We
had kissed before and at the time I enjoyed it, but now I just felt nauseous. At
least he didn’t use his tongue this time. The kiss was short and simple. He
quickly apologized for it. He got off me and I sat up.
It had never been this awkward between us. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I
couldn’t sit there with Andy watching me so tensely.
"I’m going to take a walk." I muttered, standing up. By the time I’d reached the
door I realized that walking anywhere was completely out of the question.
Instead I sat down in Andy’s back yard.
I sat in the dirt and stared at Andy’s rusty sing set. We use to play on it when
we were in grade school; it was a lot less rusty then. When I grew tired of
sitting I decided to lie down. My head was in the dirt as I stared up at the
sky. One of the clouds looked like a beer can; made me think of my father.
Sometimes I wished he would just die. The next day was Monday and I had to go
home after school. I didn’t know how I would face my dad. I didn’t even want to
look at him.
I heard Andy’s footsteps. He lied down next to me.
"Hey, that cloud kinda looks like a beer can," he said after a few moments. We
both laughed, causing the awkwardness to cease. I don’t really know why we
laughed, it wasn’t that funny. "Feel like watching a movie?" Andy stood up and
asked.
"Sure," I answered. Andy gave me his hand to help me up. I reached for it, and
he pulled me to my feet.
"I just got Edward Scissorhands."
"I love that movie!"
"I know you do."
I smiled. Of course he knew. He was probably the person who knew me best. He
knew me a hell of a lot better than my dad. After all, I managed to keep who I
am from my dad for so long.
I followed Andy into the living room where he put the video into the VCR. I made
sure there were a few inches between us on the couch. It wasn’t so awkward now,
but that didn’t mean we were slipping back into our old relationship.
I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. Johnny Depp is my favorite actor, and he’s
especially hot in Edward Scissorhands. By the time it was over I felt as if the
couch had molded to me. I didn’t want to move. Andy brought out his old
Nintendo, and we took turns playing Donkey-Kong. Then we battled in a table
tennis game. By six-thirty we were both hungry.
"Stay here, I’ll microwave some pizza." Andy said.
Usually I try to help in someway, even in something as simple as micro waving
pizza. I hate feeling pampered, but my body was sorely protesting the earlier
exercise, and I really didn’t want to get up.
The rest of the evening passed in a hazy blur of TV shows. When the phone rang
at eight o’clock, it woke me out of a half sleep; my head had come to a rest on
Andy’s shoulder. I pulled away. It was almost too much effort, but I didn’t want
him to get any wrong ideas. I curled up on the other side of the couch with my
head on the armrest.
My tiredness was frustrating. Not only did it mean that I wasn’t going to get
anything done today, but it meant that it would take a while for me to fully
recover.
Andy returned from answering the phone. "My mom says hi."
I couldn’t bring myself to reply, I was nodding in and out. Andy got up and came
back with some blankets and a pillow. He placed the blankets over me and lifted
my head to put the pillow under.
I watched him with my eyes half closed as he turned off the TV and put our
dishes away. Before he went to his room he kissed me on the forehead.
I awoke to the sounds of Andy getting ready in his room. I realized that I too
had to get up, but I didn’t move until Andy came by and hit me softly on the
head.
"Get up, we’re gonna be late."
I got up regretfully as every muscle in my body seemed to ache. Andy handed me a
change of clothes. I went to his bathroom to change. By the time I came out Andy
had already toasted me some pop tarts and served me some milk. I sat down at his
table and ate quietly.
When we finished eating Andy took our dishes to the dishwasher. I watched him as
he rinsed off our dishes and carefully placed them in the dishwasher.
"Andy, do you have an extra toothbrush?" I asked realizing that I hadn’t brushed
my teeth all weekend.
"I think so," he said motioning me to follow him. He opened the medicine cabinet
of the bathroom and pulled out a new tooth brush. How convenient, I thought.
I stared at both Andy and I in the mirror as we brushed our teeth. I realized
how attractive he was, and how attractive I wasn’t. Why does he like mo so much?
I looked at Andy then at myself. He had soft, dark brown hair that went a little
past his ears. He had amazing green eyes, and naturally tan skin. He also had
the cutest crooked smile. Whereas I had short brown hair, large ears (like my
dad), and my skin was quite pallid. My appearance was plain, nerdy. Andy, though
a bit on the short side, was much more attractive. Not that I still liked him or
anything. And if I did it was a subconscious feeling. To be honest I don’t think
I could handle a relationship right now.
As Andy and I got on the bus together the kids snickered and made rude comments
about us under their breaths. I didn’t ride Andy’s bus but the bus driver didn’t
seem to care. When the other kids threw things at us while yelling words like
fags and freaks the bus driver kept his unconcerned expression.
Andy and I were used to these kinds of things, it happened on a daily basis. We
just ignored them and after a few minutes they got bored and stopped.
That day came and went, though I wanted it to last forever so I wouldn’t have to
go home.
When I got off my bus I dreaded every step I took towards my house. When I
opened the door the first face I saw was my grandfather’s. One of the last
people I wanted to see. The man my father modeled himself after. They even had
the same name.
The only good thing about my grandfather was that he was rich. He helped us out
a lot when my dad lost his job. He was always there to get my father out of what
ever hole he dug himself into.
"Hello Joshua. How was your day?" he asked nervously, almost as if we had just
met.
"Fine, grandpa, how was yours?" I replied slightly rudely.
"Fine, fine, uhh, do you have a lot of homework?" he stuttered more than usual,
like he was uncomfortable being around me, talking to me.
"Not really, why?" I asked in the same tone.
He handed me a bible. Then he forced a smile and said, "Here Joshua, this will
help you with your, uh, problem."
"My problem?"
"Yes, you’re problem." He said then headed towards the kitchen. It was obvious
my dad had told him I was gay and that was probably why he didn’t ask about all
the bruises. I set the Bible underneath one of the sofa cushions and went to my
room. I was pissed I couldn’t even yell.
My Johnny Depp posters were still on the floor. I didn’t bother to pick them up.
I went to my desk to start my homework instead. My dad took pride in the fact
that most of my classes were advanced, but it didn’t matter anymore. I spent
each moment in fear that any second he’d come into my room and start hurting me
again.
By five o’clock I was done with my homework. I crawled onto my bed and stared up
at the ceiling. I tried to forget what happened. I wanted to forget everything.
I heard a knock at my door about an hour later. My mom set a plate of food on my
desk. I looked over at her.
"Your father doesn’t want you to eat with us sweetie. I’m sorry," I could sense
the sympathy in her voice. She bit her lip to keep from crying. She knew dad was
being too harsh, but she wasn’t going to do anything about it. I never
understood why she couldn’t stand up to him.
She left not closing the door all the way. I got up just as my sisters walked
by. I saw a look of disgust in their eyes and I knew they probably weren’t going
to speak to me again. Not that they spoke to me much now. They started ignoring
once they became teenagers, but they never acted as if they hated. I slammed the
door and went back to my bed. I curled into a ball, my body still sore. And for
first time in years, I cried. I cried my eyes out, it felt like I couldn’t stop.
I don’t know how long I was crying but by the time I stopped I was tired and
hungry. My dinner was cold, but I ate it anyway. I waited until nine o’clock to
take my plate to the kitchen, hoping everyone was in their rooms.
I got to the kitchen and luckily no one was there. But the recycle bin was
overflowing with beer bottles. I placed my plate in the dishwasher and went back
to my room.
Suddenly it occurred to me that Andy was probably pretty worried about me. The
last thing I needed right now was a phone call from a guy late at night.
I crept down stairs and brought the cordless phone to my room. I dialed Andy’s
number automatically. He was the only person I ever call.
He answered on the third ring, and literally breathed a sigh of relief when he
heard my voice. For some reason it annoyed me. I guess I felt like he didn’t
believe I could take care of myself.
"Thank God you’re ok, your dad didn’t flip?"
"No, I haven’t seen him." I replied.
"What do you mean, did he leave or something?" Andy sounded hopeful.
"No he’s avoiding me, ignoring my existence." I said calmly, but my throat was
constricting.
"Well that’s not so bad is it?" Andy said. "I mean, he’ll leave you alone
right?"
I tried to reply, but my throat was too tight. I swallowed a few times.
"Look I don’t want to talk about it right now. Just don’t call me tonight. He’s
drunk of his ass, and anything might set him off." I realized after I said it
that the beer bottles might not have all been recent. I hadn’t been home to do
the recycling for a few days. If Mom was busy, no one else would bother.
Andy had gone quiet. "Ok." He said softly. "I’ll see you tomorrow." His voice
had gotten smaller, and suddenly I didn’t want him to go. I muttered my good
byes and hung up anyway.
I felt like crying again but there was nothing left in me. I was left with a
sort of empty restlessness. I got up and tacked Johnny Depp back on the wall.
Then I organized my CD’s and alphabetized my bookshelf.
When I couldn’t think of anything else to do I sat down on my bed. I wished I
had more homework to do, the silence was driving me insane. I got up to put the
phone back on the hook, and met our cat, Mittens, stumbling down the stairs.
Evidently someone had left an unfinished beer can somewhere. I found the cat
food bag and filed his dish, wondering if anyone had remembered to feed the cat
while I was gone. Mittens hurried my way at the sound of the cat-food bag, and
after stumbling pitifully into the doorway he managed to find his way to the
kitchen. He usually eats when he’s drunk too much, which is often, it keeps him
from getting hung over. The kitty is smarter than my sisters that way.
When I opened the fridge I saw a few beer bottles left. I stared at them.
Everyone in my family had a drinking problem, including the cat. It’s a wonder I
haven’t started yet. I shut the door quickly. What was wrong with me? I had
never been tempted to drink before.
I quickly walked back to my room. I almost slammed the door again, but then I
remembered I didn’t want to wake anyone. My body was sore and needed rest, but I
wasn’t tired. So I just sat there, at my desk, doing nothing.
I heard some foot steps so I shut off my light. I went back to my desk to sit in
the dark. Hours went by and I was still sitting there, staring at the darkness.
I fell asleep an hour before my alarm came on. But when I awoke I wasn’t tired.
I didn’t bother with a shower. I got ready quickly just wanting to get out of
the house. Luckily my dad was still asleep when I left. My mom had already gone
to work and my sisters were sleeping off a hangover.
I was at the bus stop ten minuets early. It was cold, but at least I was out of
the house. I watched with slight relief as my house shrank from view outside the
bus window, it was then I decided I couldn’t live like this. Eager to get to the
bus which would take me away from my house only to deliver me to school, which
wasn’t much better. I gazed at the familiar buildings passing by outside the
window, and resolved to find some way to improve my life. The decision made me
feel a little better. I didn’t have a great plan, but it felt good to be
actually seeking something instead of just avoiding it.
With the look of relief on Andy’s face when he saw me that morning I was afraid
he was going to try and kiss me again. I had forgotten that I’d hung up on such
a tense note last night.
Instead he just greeted me and we walked to the locker that we shared.
"I got a new Johnny Depp movie; you should come over and watch it."
"I would love to!" I said eagerly.
"Well it’s not new, but I’ve never seem it before."
"What’s it called?"
"Benny and Joon," he answered. Then the bell rang so we went our separate ways.
Concentrating on my class work was hard when there were pencils flying at my
head. And of course the teacher did not punish the kids throwing the pencils. I
was so happy to get to third period—it was the only class I had with Andy.
Health wasn’t exactly our favorite class, but having each other there made it
worthwhile. Andy appeared just has happy to see me. I noticed some staples in
his hair, which was no doubt something that had been thrown at him in a previous
class.
Andy and I sat together, since Mr. Ricky didn’t instruct us to take notes on the
film we had been watching for the past few days Andy and I wrote to each other
all period, paying no attention to the video.
Do you want to ride the bus to my house? Andy wrote.
Sure I’ll call my mom when I get there, hopefully she won’t mind. I replied.
My parents can give you a ride back home after we watch the movie.
Your parents are back?
Yeah, the came back last night.
They don’t mind driving all the way to my house?
It isn’t that far, in a car anyway.
The next four periods dragged on. I spent most of my classes watching the clock.
I just wanted to be somewhere where I didn’t have to watch my every move. When I
finally got to Andy’s house I was feeling so giddy that I was practically
jumping up and down. Andy caught my giddiness and before I knew we were laughing
at ever second of the movie, mostly the comments Andy made about the movie. He
kept making fun of Joon since she ended up with Johnny Depp’s character and we
both were insanely, and secretly jealous of her. I was still feeling relaxed and
happy when Andy’s parents drove me home. Although it was already past eight the
lights were still on. No one greeted me when I entered my home. My family was
watching a football game in the living room. I sat down on the couch next to
Barbra (my eldest sister). She reached across to grab her beer can from the
table next to my side of the couch. She didn’t even look at me. I couldn’t
concentrate on the game, and after a few minutes I silently got up and left.
In my bedroom, I turned on my CD player, trying to drown out the uncomfortable
silence. I dug around in my closet until I found my photo album. I’ve take a lot
of pictures since I first got into photography, only the best of which made if
into my album, still it’s more than half full.
There’s a big section of Andy, I took a lot of pictures of him, especially when
we going out. Once we even picked out a bunch of outfits and he let me pose him
with various colors and backgrounds. It felt like a celebrity photo shoot, but
more artistic.
Andy’s the only person who turns up with so much frequency in my album. There
are a couple of my sisters, pictures that they didn’t even notice I took. One of
them is of them past out on the porch swing even though it was only eight. They
somehow looked angelic though, one resting their head on the other, both wearing
white summer dresses, contrasting with the dark wood of the swing. I don’t have
many pictures of my family. My dad was never too fond of the idea of me being
interested in an artistic field. I usually took pictures away from my house.
I hadn’t used my camera in a while, probably because there wasn’t anything
interesting around my house. I stuffed my camera in my back pack and went down
stairs.
"I’m going to the library," I announced as I past my family in the living room,
they didn’t reply. They usually wouldn’t let me go out so late, but I guess they
didn’t care anymore.
I was headed towards the library because next to it was a poetry café. I really
liked the atmosphere of the place and I loved the smell of coffee and
cigarettes. Most of the poets weren’t half bad and no one seemed to notice me
taking pictures of them.
There were a couple of tables outside the café, for the smokers, somewhat
pointless since the smell traveled into the brick building anyway—no one ever
closed the front door. A woman in about her thirties sat at one of the tables by
herself. She looked really nervous, and kind of paranoid. About twenty
cigarettes filled the ashtray in front of her; still there was a cigarette
between her fingers.
I had to get this wreck on film, lucking she couldn’t see me from my position.
It was a perfect snapshot. And by the time I reached the café she had left. I
took a close-up of the overflowing ashtray, thankful that I had black and white
film. I had to remember to show these photos to Andy, he would love them.
I entered the building, to the sound of Bob Marley softly playing in the
background. The walls were covered with artwork from local artist. I sat at my
usual table in a back corner. There was a new painting on the wall near me. I
took a picture of it.
A very attractive guy appeared on the stage. He must have been new to the café
because I didn’t recognize him. I stared in awe as he read his poem. Most poets
weren’t brave enough to talk about their sex lives, but he spoke with
confidence. He could have been talking about a guy in his poem, I wasn’t sure.
When he finished only I and a couple other people clapped, but he still smiled
as he got off stage, unfazed by the lack of cheer in the audience. The next poet
was horrid in comparison, but got more applause. He seemed the have the same
opinion of her. I watched him silently laugh and sip his coffee. I couldn’t help
myself; he was so striking, so I took a picture.
Another poet read another crappy poem; he was just as bad as the last girl. He
was the final poet. When he finished the gorgeous guy seemed to glance at me, as
if sharing the same distaste for the poetry.
After the so-called poet sat down the attractive one walked over to me, causing
me to almost drop my camera.
"Hello there, I’m Andrew," he said suavely and stuck out his hand.
"Hi, I’m Joshua," I replied nervously and took his hand. He sat down in the
chair next to me.
"So, Joshua, did you like my poem?"
"Yes, I loved it."
"Do you write poetry Joshua? Or are you too busy taking pictures of other
poets?" He eyed me suspiciously and I tensely laughed. "How old are you Joshua?"
"Eighteen," I lied.
"Thought so, do you go to the local collage?"
"Um, yeah," I lied again. He took a sip of his coffee that I just noticed he had
with him. He seemed so…confident, the opposite of how I felt. I didn’t
understand what made him want to talk to me, here I was a scrawny, dorky, 15
year old with a camera; there was nothing special about me.
"That painting, right next to you, is mine," he pointed at the artwork, then at
himself. "I noticed you took a picture of it earlier, thought you would like to
know the artist."
The painting was of a guy who had hung himself on a tree. His tongue was
sticking out and his face was a bluish color. The night sky in the background
reminded me of van Gogh. The stars and the noose stood out because of their gold
colors. The rest of the painting was in shades of blacks and blues.
"I really like the way you did the sky," I replied.
"Thank you."
"Did you go to an art school?"
"No, it was all innate talent."
"How old are you Andrew?"
"I just turned 21."
"What do you do?"
"I work at my dad’s auto shop."
"You get along with your dad?" I asked toying with the sugar dispenser.
"In a strictly business relationship, yes," he said shortly.
"Hmm…"
"Do you get along with your dad?"
"Not exactly," I answered.
"Is he an asshole?"
"He’s a lot more than an asshole." He could tell I was feeling uncomfortable so
he changed the subject.
"So do you like this song?" Bob Marley was still playing softly in the back
ground.
"It’s alright," I replied.
"Yeah, I was never really into reggae but it’s not that bad."
"What sort of music do you usually listen to?"
"Pink Floyd, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, the classics. How about you?"
"A little bit of everything I guess."
"Do you have a favorite band or singer?"
"Not really, I like Incubus."
"Yeah, they’re alright, for a modern band anyway."
"Yeah," I felt embarrassed at my lack of good taste. I looked up at the clock on
the wall a few feet away. "It’s getting kind of late. Will you be here tomorrow
night?"
"Sure, around the same time?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, it’s a date."
On my way home I saw a trash can with a rose in it. I took a picture almost
without thinking. When I arrived home the lights were off. On my way to my room
I tripped on some beer cans. Then I tripped on the cat. I opened my door to see
my sister Jenna sitting on my bed. She looked like she had been crying.
"Josh, I don’t know where Barbra is," she sounded really scared.
"What? Well, when was the last time you saw her?"
"A couple hours ago, I think. I’m not sure. We were at this party. She went with
this guy to get some more beer. They said they would be right back. The party
ended and my friend needed a ride home. I thought maybe she would be here. I’ve
been home for about an hour and she hasn’t called." These were the first words
she has said to my since my family found out I was gay, and they were words I
really didn’t want to hear.
"Did you call the place the party was at?"
"Yes, about ten times, they haven’t seen her."
"Who was the guy she left with?"
"I don’t know, Bill or Rick."
"You don’t know!" I almost screamed.
"Shhh, I don’t want to wake mom and dad, especially dad."
I stopped pacing & looked her in the eye, "Jenna, we need to go look for her."
"Alright, get your coat, but be quiet." I grabbed a sweater and we went down
stairs. We drove to every liquor store in town. Then we went to my sisters’
friends’ houses. No one had seen her. At first I was really angry with Jenna for
letting something like this happen. But I couldn’t really blame her, she was
used to Barbra being in control, Jenna was always somewhat of a sidekick.
Although Jenna was about 19 at the time she reminded me of a child; a poor,
pathetic child.
"What did the car that she leave in look like?"
"Uhh, it was green."
"And?"
"It had a bumper sticker from Starbucks or something."
"That’s real descriptive: at least half the people in this town have a Starbucks
bumper sticker. How drunk did you get at that party?" I could tell I hurt her
feelings so I quickly apologized.
"There it is!"
"What?"
"The car I saw her leave in!" Jenna pointed to a green Honda Civic in the
parking lot of the theatre. We drove into the almost empty parking lot. Jenna
stopped the car next to the Honda and we hastily got out. Bill or Rick was no
where in sight and Barbra was passed out in the passenger seat. Jenna banged on
the window starling Barbra.
"Jenna, oh my god!" Barbra said as she opened the door. She fell into Jenna’s
arms and started crying.
"What happened?" Jenna asked as she tried to move her to their car. Barbra
couldn’t respond. I sat in the back and watched my sisters as we drove off in
silence. The three of us remained silent until we got up stairs. Barbra kept
walking toward her room, but Jenna grabbed me by the arm just before I got to my
door.
"Josh, wait." I turned around and looked at her. "Thank you, I don’t think I
could’ve handled this without you." She hugged me and left. I stood at my door
dumbfounded; I guess she didn’t hate me after all.
The next day Jenna told me she wanted to stop drinking. She said she needed me
to help her. I agreed to, but wasn’t really sure either of us were strong
enough.
Part II:
Andy, a few weeks later…
I stared into the bathroom mirror with disgust. Josh always said I was good
looking, but then he dumped me. As I brushed my teeth I was tempted to shove my
tooth brush down my throat. Last night’s dinner was my first meal in a couple
days.
My first attempt of induced vomiting failed, but still hurt like hell. My second
endeavor was a success. I gazed down at the vomit in the sink. I turned on the
water and watched it all go down the drain, then I brushed my teeth again.
I headed out the door to wait for the bus. When I arrived at school Josh was
already there.
"Hey, Andy, how was your weekend?"
"Fine and yours?"
"I’d rather not talk about it."
"Your dad?" I asked. He lifted up the sleeve of his sweater to show me his large
bruises and what looked like cigar burns. I touched them gently and he winced
with pain. "Sorry," I apologized.
"Don’t worry about it." He gently tugged his sleeve back down.
"So, how are things with your sisters," I had to change the subject.
"Great actually, they’ve been sober for the past couple weeks and we’ve actually
been getting along, like we used," he said with a nostalgic smile.
"That’s good. What ever happened with that Andrew guy?"
"Ah, nothing, I haven’t seen him in a while," he answered nervously. I knew he
was lying. He and Andrew had been fucking for weeks, but he wouldn’t admit it.
He didn’t want me to know that he was a fucking whore. Sorry, for the language,
I guess I’m a tad jealous, though I would never confess it to him. While we were
dating we never got further than making out, we never even talked about sex. Not
that I didn’t think about it.
I was convinced that Andrew was using Josh, but I didn’t feel it was my place to
say anything, plus who knows, I could be wrong, maybe they really are in love.
Josh didn’t talk about Andrew much, but some things you don’t really have to
say. As the bell rang we walked to our separate classes.
During lunch all I had was an apple. After walking Josh to class I went straight
to the bathroom to throw it up. I wanted Josh to like me again, and forget about
Andrew. It’s weird that we have the same name, although the only people that
call me Andrew are my grandparents.
That evening my mother made a delicious dinner that looked quite disgusting in
the toilet. Since my shirt reeked of vomit I changed into my Black Sabbath
t-shirt that I often slept in. It was only half past seven, but since I had no
homework I decided to crawl into bed. I didn’t even bother taking off my jeans,
I had seen enough of my grotesque body for one night.
I awoke around three in the morning, feeling quite hungry, but I did not get up.
Four hours later my alarm clock went off and my hunger pains were gone. I lied
in bed for another half hour. I got dressed quickly, told my mom I would eat at
school, and ran out the door.
When I got to school I stared at the breakfast line from my locker. I stood
there until the bell rang to go to class.
By lunch time I was feeling light-headed. I told myself that meant I shouldn’t
eat. I used my lunch money to buy a bottle of water. I worried that Josh would
ask about my lunch, but as soon as we sat down were being pelted with bits of
food from the football team. They were all pepped up for that night’s game.
Josh and I spent our lunch in the science wing which always smelled like
formaldehyde. Neither of us was really in the mood to eat or talk.
Directly after lunch I had biology. We were dissecting large, soggy crayfish,
and the pungent smell was making me dizzy. I set my hand on the table to steady
myself. "Are you alright?" my lab partner asked.
"Yeah, just a minute." I walked to the teacher’s desk and asked for a bathroom
pass. She looked at me skeptically but started to write one anyway. The words
she wrote began to blur in and out of focus. I stumbled against a desk on the
way out. My dizziness decreased as I got to the restroom. I turned on the sink
and splashed water on my face.
The reflection of my dripping face looked angry. It had only been a few days,
why was my body so weak? Then some guy strolled in and glared at me harshly
until I left. Along with the locker room, the restroom was one of the least
welcomed places for a known gay guy.
I made my way back to my class; it took so much energy to try not to throw up on
myself. The smell was unbearable, I felt myself going weak. My lab partner ended
up doing most of the work, but she didn’t seem to mind because she was really
into science, or maybe just into dissecting things, I couldn’t tell which.
The next two periods went by in a blur and I almost passed out on my way to the
bus. I sat in the front seat as usual, so when I got off no one could trip me.
"Andy, Andy!" the bus driver yelled, I didn’t realize it was my stop for I had
fallen asleep.
I quickly grabbed my things and hopped off the bus. As I entered I greeted my
parents then threw my backpack in my room. I returned to the living room to
watch TV with my mom. "Did you have a good day at school dear?" my mom asked
without looking away from the television screen.
"Yeah, it was fine," I replied sounding more depressed than I intended, causing
her to look away from the TV.
"Andy, honey, you look a bit pale, are you alright?"
"I’m fine mom," I answered unconvincingly. She looked concerned but changed the
subject anyway.
"Well, okay. When you get hungry just heat up the leftovers from last night,"
she replied and turned back to the TV. Her show began to bore me so I went to my
room to do homework.
I stared blankly at my math book unable to concentrate. Math had started to get
complicated for me ever since they started adding letters to the equations, and
for some reason I couldn’t really read. I couldn’t tell the x’s apart for the
divisions signs. The numbers and letters just blurred together. I sat motionless
for a few minutes just staring at the jumble of equations. I leaned back in my
chair. When I fell backward I didn’t bother to get up. I almost didn’t even feel
my back hit the hardwood floor. I just stared up at my ceiling, and thought
about Josh. Why couldn’t he just like me again? I missed him so much. Should I
call him? No, he’s probably with Andrew. I hate Andrew.
Hours went by, and I was still on my floor. My homework was unfinished, and my
stomach was empty. I felt no need to eat, or solve equations. I just want to
stay where I was.
I woke up on the floor a few hours later. I didn’t bother getting dressed, I
just shoved my things in my backpack and left. Again I was running late, so
again I told my mom I would eat at school, and again I intended not to. I got on
the bus and there was someone in my seat, but there were no other available ones
so I sat next to him. He didn’t tell me to move like most kids did. After a few
minutes I realized I had never seen him before. "How much longer until we get
there?" he asked after a while.
"About fifteen minutes or so," I answered.
"I’m James by the way," he stuck out his hand for me to shake, unusual for a
teenager to do.
"Hi, I’m Andy," I shook his hand awkwardly
"Nice to meet you Andy," he said kindly; much different then the usual get the
hell away from me fag!
"What grade are you in James?"
"Tenth."
"Me too. Do you have your schedule?" I asked. He pulled out a folded piece of
paper from his pocket and handed it to me. We had every class together, except
health, the class I had with Josh.
"So do we have any classes together?" he asked curiously.
"We have all but one class together."
"Awesome. Which one don’t we have together?"
"Third, I have health, you have art."
"At my old school they make you take health freshmen year."
"Do you want me to show you around before class starts?"
"Sure, that’d be great," he answered excitedly. Some guy sitting behind us made
a rude comment that I chose to ignore. James gave me a funny look but didn’t say
anything. When we got to school he followed me to my locker, Josh was already
there. "Hey Josh, this is James, he’s new."
"Hey James."
"Hello Josh."
"Do you want to help me show him around?" I asked Josh.
"Sure," he said. I put my math book in the locker and grabbed my history book.
Josh and I showed James where all his classes were. Then we showed him where we
were going to sit during lunch so he could meet us there. He asked why we sat in
the science wing and we told him the cafeteria was too crowded.
"We have a few minutes until class starts, do you guys want to sit in the
library or something?" Josh asked. We both nodded. When we sat down Josh pulled
out something from his backpack. "I just got my film developed. There are some
old photos of you and some of the café." The first ten or so were of me.
"You look really good there," James pointed out, the photo happened to have me
with my shirt off. His comment made me blush and wonder if he was being
sarcastic.
"I really like this one," I said when I picture of a chick smoking at a table
that had an overflowing ashtray on it.
"I knew you would," Josh replied.
"This one’s cool," James said about the photo of painting of a guy hanging from
a tree. I thought it looked like the artist was trying too hard to be van Gogh.
"Is that Andrew?" I asked rudely.
"Who’s Andrew?" James asked.
"No one," Josh answered trying to find the next picture without Andrew in it. He
stopped at a rose in a garbage can; all three of us decided it was the best one.
Then James added that he still really liked the one of me that he pointed out
earlier. I blushed again. The bell rang and we said bye to Josh as he went to
his advanced math class and we left for history. It felt kind of weird walking
with someone that wasn’t Josh.
When we got there Ms. Turner sat James next to me which probably wasn’t the best
idea since we talked the whole time. Then she assigned a group project, making
it okay for us to talk.
The project involved writing a persuasive essay and speech on a current
political issue. An issue that she picked for us, randomly out of a hat. The
girls sitting next to us laughed as Ms. Turner gave James and me the issue of
same sex marriage. The giggling girls got medical marijuana; I desperately
wanted to trade with them, but I knew they wouldn’t want to.
"So, what’s your opinion on same sex marriage?" James asked.
"I think it’s stupid that it’s even an issue."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, why do people care so much when people of the same sex get married?"
"Probably because most people are or claim to be Christian and the Bible says
that homosexuality is wrong."
"Well, not everyone in this country reads the Bible, so why should the belief of
some people be made into a law?"
"Hmm…that’s a good question. I guess I never really thought about it."
"It’s so unfair, how could you not have thought about it?"
"I don’t know. So, I guess we’re arguing why same sex marriage should be legal."
"Yeah," I said kind of rudely. He asked me to expound more on the issue and the
more I talked the more he seemed convinced that I was right. Eventually his
opinion was almost as strong as mine. "Can I do the speech?" he asked
interrupting me. "You can write the essay, I’ll summarize it and use it as the
speech."
"Alright, I’m not that great with speeches anyway."
"I love doing speeches, especially persuasive ones. Once I persuaded my entire
history class that they should join the green party, when they were old enough."
"Your entire history class?" I asked skeptically.
"Well, the majority."
"I like writing essays, but getting in front of crowd scares the shit out of
me."
"It shouldn’t, you’re very persuasive. Not in the same way I am, I’m just good
with words, but you actually have the facts."
In math James was seated behind me. He decided to spend his time poking me in
the back when he had a question. Sometimes he just did it to annoy me, which I
found more cute than annoying.
During health I found myself missing James and Josh’s presence wasn’t making up
for it. I sat there waiting for my next class. The class that I dreaded more
than anything: physical education. But at least James would be there.
Finally P.E. (or as I like to call it hell) started. Mr. Johnson was okay with
me not taking showers, but he said he would fail me if I kept changing in the
bathroom stalls. The other guys kept about 50 feet away from me while I changed
next to my locker.
James seemed curious as to why I was so isolated but didn’t bother asking about
it. I hope he didn’t notice me staring at him. I usually stare at the floor
while in the locker room, but the temptation was too strong.
I survived gym and left early to go to the science wing to wait for Josh and
James. Josh showed up first. "Where’s James?" he asked.
"He’s coming," I answered. I realized I had forgotten to make myself a lunch,
but wasn’t hungry anyway, or at least not until Josh pulled out a fruit salad
from his lunch box, it looked so good.
"Hey James," Josh and I said in unison when he arrived.
"Hey," he responded, and then sat on the ground next to us, pulling out a brown
paper bag from his backpack. The smell of the sandwich concealed in the paper
bag almost made me vomit. Josh noticed it too. We both glared at James until he
answered our unasked question.
"It’s peanut butter and pickles."
"Yuck!" Josh and I both said.
"It’s actually pretty good," he tired to defend the foul thing he called a
sandwich.
"How can you eat that?" I asked.
"Try it," he said, shoving it in my face. I held up my hands trying to block
him. "Try it," he said again, still trying to shove it in my face.
I then noticed I was leaning on Josh (who was on the other side of me, laughing
along with James) when he pushed me off my head hit the floor softly. James was
over me trying to force the sandwich down my throat. Meanwhile Josh was still
laughing. "I’ll take a bite if you get the hell off me," I said as his face was
uncomfortably close to mine. He pulled away and handed me the sandwich. I took
the smallest bit and quickly spit it out. They both laughed and I shoved James a
bit.
He took his sandwich back and started eating it himself. Josh rolled his eyes
and continued to eat his fruit salad. James smiled, beautifully. I found it hard
to look away, but had to when he began chewing again.
His smile soon faded into a frown. I turned my head to see what caused his
grimness. Both Josh and I paused as Tyler (one of Corey’s friends) walked by.
"That guy is jackass," James said softly, so only we heard him.
"You just moved here, how did you know that?" Josh asked.
"I just had P.E. with him. I think his way of greeting the new kid is punching
him in the stomach, almost knocking the wind out of him," he said calmly. Josh
and I looked at each other sharing the same thought: James is getting shit for
hanging out with us. I think James knew it too.
The next few classes went by without the mention of Tyler’s name. In each period
I found myself staring at James. My feelings for James began to depress me. Even
if James likes guys, which I’m sure he doesn’t, why the hell would he like? And
if he did start to like me, which he wouldn’t, would I go out with him? James
got hurt for being seen with us, I can’t imagine what it would be like if we
were dating.
Why the hell am I even worried about this? James would never like me. Plus I
don’t really want to risk getting my heart broken again.
James and I walked to the bus together. We sat in the front seat. He complained
about how much homework he had and I listened attentively. "My stop is next," he
said after all his complaining. I looked out the window and realized he only
lived about a block away from me.
"If you need any help with your homework I can probably come over, I don’t live
that far away," I offered.
"How about I just give you my number and you can call me when you get home," he
replied nervously and took out a pen from his backpack. He took my hand and
wrote his number on my palm. When the bus stopped he said goodbye and made me
promise to call him.
"I promise," I shouted after him. As he got off the bus some kid sitting behind
me thought it was his cue to make a rude remark.
"Is that your new boyfriend, queer? I doubt he knew my real name. I chose to
ignore him, but he went on, "hey, I’m talking to you, fag." Thankfully my stop
was next. I said nothing and got off quickly. I heard him slide down his window
as I got off. Since my back was to him I didn’t see what he was doing. The next
thing I knew something wet hit my ear. I wiped it off and stared at my hand.
Then I rubbed my hand on my jeans to get the saliva off.
"We’re having leftovers again," my mom said as I walked through the door. It
made me sick just thinking about the roast beef and mashed potatoes in the
fridge.
"I need to make a phone call first," I said and left for my room. I set down my
backpack and grabbed the phone. Someone answered on the first ring. "Hello, this
is Andy, is James there?"
"Hey Andy, it’s me."
"Hi," I said a bit nervously, this was the first time in years that I was on the
phone and not talking to Josh.
"So about the math…" he paused as if something was distracting him.
"Hold on, I’ll get my book."
"Don’t bother, I don’t really feel like talking about homework right now."
"So what do you want to talk about?" I asked nervously.
"I don’t know, I’m hungry, I wonder when my dad’s getting here. He’s getting us
a pizza, but it’s been like twenty minutes already. Where is he?"
"I’d kill for pizza right now, but no, we’re having leftovers."
"Yummy, what is it?"
"Meat loaf and mashed potatoes."
"Gross, meatloaf."
"Are you a vegetarian or something?"
"Yup."
"Why?"
"Because I think it’s wrong to eat meat."
"So you care about animals, but you don’t care that the government is trying to
control who we can and can’t marry?"
"Well animals can’t really defend themselves, someone has to."
"Whatever."
"I can’t believe you eat meat, that’s so gross!"
"Do you want me to stop?"
"If you want to, I don’t want you to stop just because of me," he said. And just
like that I was a vegetarian.
"So, uh, what are you up to?"
"Besides waiting for my dad, I’m not really doing anything. What are you up to?"
"Nothing, but I think I’m going to put on my Rage Against the Machine CD."
"Oh, that reminds me, what radio station do you listen to? I haven’t found any
good ones yet."
"That’s because there aren’t really any."
"That sucks, I haven’t unpacked my CDs yet, and I NEED something to listen to
besides my dad’s music. I mean Pink Floyd is an awesome band and everything, but
he plays only one of their albums, and almost nonstop."
"Well, there are two okay stations: 106.5, but it plays a lot of lame 80s metal.
Then there’s the alternative station 94.9, but it plays some crappy pop/punk
bands." I heard him writing, probably so he wouldn’t forget the stations.
"Thanks."
"No problem."
"So…"
"So…"
"I thought you were going to put a CD on, I don’t hear anything, don’t tell me
you listen to music, with the volume that low."
"Oh, yeah." I went turned on my CD player and pushed play, Rage was already
inside. Just then I heard a knock at my window. I looked up to see Josh’s sad
face. "James, I have to go."
"Alright, my dad finally arrived anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow." I quickly got off the phone. Josh had already let
himself in.
"Please don’t tell your parents I’m here, they might call my parents," he said
in desperation.
"Why didn’t you go to Andrew’s, like last time?" I asked, not meaning to sound
like a jerk, but knew I did anyway.
"I come to you for help, and all you can do is bring him up?! He wasn’t home
okay!" I then noticed his lips were bleeding.
"Your dad again?"
"Yeah, it would’ve have been a lot worse, but luckily my sisters stopped him.
They held him back and told me to go. At first I was worried he might try to
hurt them, but I was already really scared. Plus there are two of them; they
have a better chance than I do. And he was so drunk, I’m sure he’ll pass out
before he tries anything." He was rambling, assuring himself, not really talking
to me.
"I’m sure they’ll be fine," I tired to comfort him, but he wasn’t really
listening.
"Why do you get upset at random times? Plus you have James now, there’s no need
for jealousy," he said still speaking quickly, making him sound like a child
asking random questions.
"There’s nothing going on between James and I. And I’m not jealous!"
"We should keep it down so your parents don’t come in," he said after glancing
at the door. I nodded.
"Are you hungry?" I asked.
"Yeah, a little." I left without word, and heated up some leftovers. When I got
to my room Josh snatched the plate from me and shoved the food in his mouth,
obviously he was more than a little hungry.
"Aren’t you going to eat?" he asked still chewing on some meatloaf
"I already ate," I lied. He eyed me suspiciously. He didn’t take his eyes off me
until he finished eating.
"You didn’t eat lunch today either," he finally said. I looked down at the
floor. Then I took his plate from him and put it in the sink. "Just because
we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me," he said when I
returned. I didn’t reply. The CD was skipping so I turned my stereo off. I sat
down on my bed next to Josh. Then I lied down and curled up into a ball, with my
back against the wall. Josh patted my arm. I lifted my head and positioned it on
his lap. He didn’t push me off.
The next day Josh avoided my parents by sneaking out the window right as the bus
came. I let him sit with James and I sat in the next available seat, which was
unfortunately a few seats behind them. James didn’t ask why Josh got on the bus
with me or why Josh’s lips looked swollen.
"Hey you’re in our seat," Tyler said as he got on with his sister. I looked
around, there were no more seats, and one of them would have to sit with me. The
bus started moving.
"I was here first," I said simply.
"Move fag, I mean it." I looked up at the bus driver and wondered why he never
did anything. Tyler’s sister had already found a place to sit.
"Just sit down Tyler and shut up," she said to him. He turned to her.
"I’m not sitting next to him!" He turned back to me, "Move, queer!"
"Make me," I said without thinking. James some how got there before Tyler could
hit me. He held Tyler back.
"Andy, come on, just sit with us," James said as he grabbed my arm and pulled me
up. I sat in the middle; James was halfway off the seat and into the aisle.
After P.E. James skipped his shower. I think he was afraid Tyler might hit him
again, especially after this morning. So we sat and waited for Josh in the
science wing.
After twenty or so minutes he didn’t show up, so I went looking for him. I told
James to stay in the science wing.
First I walked past his fourth period class, thinking he was talking to the
teacher about something, but no one was there. I found him in the second place I
looked: the bathroom, he was cleaning blood off his face and spitting some out
as well. He looked at me then spit out a couple teeth into the small pool of
blood in the sink. "Corey?" I asked.
"And Tyler, and Nick," he answered.
"Why did all three of them gang up on you, that isn’t fair?"
"They were looking for you and James; I wouldn’t tell them where you two were."
"Holy shit, I left James alone!" We both ran to the science wing. We found James
lying on the ground, on his side, curled in a ball. Corey and his friends were
already gone. I put my hand on James’s shoulder. "I’m sorry; I’ll never leave
you alone again." James looked up at me; his face was streaked with tears and
blood. Then he looked over at Josh who was spitting out some more blood.
"When are things ever fair, for people like us?" Josh said so only I heard him.
James stood up so suddenly that his shoulder almost hit me in the face.
"This is such shit, it doesn’t fucking make sense. What’s wrong with them?" he
muttered, pacing down the hall.
"Ignorance, inbreeding, society; take your pick," Josh answered as we fell into
step with James.
"What the hell is their problem?" James asked. I wasn’t sure if he was really
talking to us, but I answered anyway.
"We’re their problem. Hate, fear, disgust, whatever you want to call it, they
can’t take what we are."
"But I’m not gay," James said.
"I meant Josh and me," I muttered, feeling embarrassed and hurt even though he
hadn’t said it in an angry way.
"Your hanging out with us James," Josh said, "that’s all the evidence they
need."
"But I’m the new kid, they don’t even know me, how am I supposed to know
anything?"
"Well now you know, so you can go find nice normal straight friends," it came
out without me thinking.
"That’s not what I meant," James said quickly, "I’m just confused. Okay?"
Josh put his hand on my arm, "He’s not used to this shit," he reminded me softly
so James wouldn’t hear. "Let him adjust." I wondered if he still wanted to hang
out with us. He was glaring into the distance as he walked, but he didn’t tell
us to go away so we kept walking with him. The silence was growing uncomfortably
heavy. "You’ll feel a lot better if you wash you face," I said to James.
"Oh, yeah," James mumbled, putting his hand to his blood dried face. We changed
direction heading towards the restroom. We hesitated at the door. "I’m not sure
we should all go in there," Josh said, "It’s too easy of a place to get jumped,
no teachers or anything."
"You two could go in. You’re already bruised up; I don’t think they’ll mess with
you more."
"Forget it," Josh said flatly, "we can’t leave you alone, they’re probably still
looking for you."
"How about the locker room?" James suggested. We both looked at him.
"What?" we asked.
"The locker room has a sink and no one will be in there at lunch." James was
right, the locker room was deserted and much more inviting than during P.E. Josh
started to rinse water through his mouth, then winced and swallowed it quickly,
putting his hand to his jaw.
"If you roll up a piece of gauze and put it where the tooth was it’s supposed to
help the blood clot," James said to Josh gingerly wetting his face with the
paper towel.
"Really?" Josh asked.
James shrugged, "that’s what they do at the dentist when you get a tooth
pulled."
"Hmm, I wonder if some paper towel will work," Josh said tearing off a piece
from the dispenser.
The bell rang and we picked up our bags and headed out into the hall. As we
headed toward our lockers James was looking nervous, "I’ve already got my stuff,
so I’ll see you in class Andy," he said and walked away swiftly. He probably
didn’t want to hang out with us anymore.
"I’ll walk you to French," I told Josh, I hadn’t done that in a while, his class
was in the opposite end of the school, but I was suddenly feeling lonely.
I didn’t know if James would want me to sit with him, but by the time I got to
class there was no other seat. So I sat beside him, neither of us said anything.
I noticed he didn’t have his textbook.
I hurried to the bus as soon as seventh period got out. Corey and his friends
were probably still looking for me, and I didn’t want to get caught while
waiting around for Josh and James.
James got on before Josh and to my relief he sat down next to me. "You still
want to be seen with me?" I asked in surprise. He shrugged.
"I’m already in deep enough, it’s not like it would change anything. Besides,
I’ve never liked the "in" crowd anyway."
"Are you sure you want to? I mean it’s not just Corey and Tyler beating up on us
during lunch. It’s all the time, everywhere. Everyone’s talking about you and
glaring at you. A lot of people think it’s funny when you’re hurt and unhappy.
And that it’s their duty to make you that way. The rest are afraid to be near
you, they think homosexuality is an infectious disease or something, and being
near you will change them forever."
"It can be handy for getting through crowed halls though," Josh said, sitting
down behind us. I knew he would show up eventually. He didn’t even have to tell
me he needed to come home with me, why would he want to go back to his house
anyway?
"Unless there are people deliberately trying to block your way," James replied.
"At least you’re not as small as Andy and can get your way through them pretty
easily," Josh responded.
"True," James replied with a grin.
"By the way Andy, it is okay that I’m coming over again right?" Josh asked
sweetly.
"Of course," I answered.
"Do you think I could too? I don’t want my dad to see me like this."
"Okay," I answered nervously. The thought of having James at my house excited
and scared me.
When the bus arrived at my house my parents were no where in sight. I found a
note on the kitchen counter.
Andy,
Your dad and I went to see my sister. She just had her baby, as you know, and
Uncle Larry left, again. We’ll be home as soon as possible. Call if you need
anything, Aunt Leslie’s number is on the fridge, or you can call my cell. There
are plenty of leftovers and money in the envelope. Be good, I’ll call tonight to
see how you’re doing.
-Mom
There was envelope next to the note. "How much is in it?" Josh asked, making me
realize that they had both been reading over my shoulder. I picked up the
envelope and counted the bills.
"One hundred," I answered. "She always leaves me more than I need. Uncle Larry
disappears a lot and both my parents always have to go look after my Aunt since
she has a lot of emotional problems and my mom can’t handle her by herself, but
my Uncle always comes back in a couple days or so."
"Can I call my dad to let him know I’m here?" James asked desperately trying to
change the subject and end the awkward silence.
"Of course," I answered walking to the next counter where the cordless phone
was. I tossed it at him and he caught it.
"I should call home too, at least to let my sisters know where I am."
"You can use the phone in my room."
When James was finished talking to his dad I ordered a vegetarian pizza, hoping
Josh wouldn’t mind the lack of meat. When I hung up the phone Josh appeared.
"I ordered a pizza, its vegetarian, is that okay?" I asked him.
"So you really stopped eating meat?" James asked before Josh could answer.
"Yeah," I sort of lied, I hadn’t really been eating much of anything.
"Since when do you eat vegetarian food?" Josh asked.
"Since James convinced me that eating meat is wrong," I answered, slightly
smiling at James. Soon enough the door bell rang. I grabbed the envelope off the
counter then answered the door.
"Hey there, that’ll be sixteen dollars," the pizza guy said. I handed him a
twenty and told him to keep the changed. I set the pizza down on the coffee
table in the living room so we could watch TV as we ate. Josh was already
getting plates for us. "That guy was hot," he said as he set down the plates.
"Who the pizza guy?" I asked.
"Yeah, didn’t you think so?"
"God, Josh, you think any guy with a cute ass is hot," I replied and then looked
over at James to see if the conversation was making him uncomfortable. He seemed
unfazed by ours words, and the next ones out of him shocked me.
"I’d do him," James said casually. Josh and I both stared at him. "I don’t mean
literally, I just agree with Josh that he was hot." Josh and I looked at each,
and then the three of us started laughing. Eventually I turned on the TV and
channel searched for a while. I settled for South Park. "Can I get something to
drink?" James asked.
"Sure, help yourself," I answered. I would’ve gotten one for him, but the pizza
made me feel sick and I didn’t want to get up.
"Get me a drink while there," Josh shouted after him.
"What do you want?" James called from the kitchen.
"What is there?"
"There’s Pepsi, milk, and hard…hey Andy is it okay if we have a Mike’s?
"I guess," I answered.
"Get me one too," Josh called out. I turned to him.
"Are you sure you want to drink? It seems kind of hypercritical when you’re
trying to help your sisters to stop."
"It’s just hard lemonade, plus I’m only going to drink one."
"Alright," I replied. James returned and handed both of us a bottle. Josh
glanced at me, unsure if I actually was going to drink some. I chugged down a
third of the bottle just to shock him. I wasn’t used to the taste, but it wasn’t
that bad.
We kept watching TV and laughed as Kenny died. I hate to admit it, but I love
this show, I wonder if that’s the alcohol talking. I finished a third bottle and
felt some what strange.
After the pizza and the fourth Mike’s I wasn’t feeling too well. When I got to
the bathroom my vomit almost missed the toilet. It was the first time in almost
a year that I threw up involuntarily. I cleaned myself off and brushed my teeth.
"Are you alright?" Josh appeared at the door, his words were slightly slurred
and he was a little off balance. I wondered how many he had.
"I’m fine," I answered. He didn’t seem convinced. I walked past him and went to
my room to change into a vomit-free shirt. At first I didn’t notice that he
followed me.
"I almost forgot how good you look without a shirt on," he mumbled from the
doorway. My back was to him, but I was still embarrassed.
"How many drinks have you had?" my eyes went to the bottle in his hand.
"Uhh, two, or three, and some of your parents’ vodka that James found, but that
wasn’t the booze talking. You really do look good," his words were slightly
slurred. I had never seen Josh drunk before, it wasn’t pretty. But I have to
admit, I did like the attention. He was looking at me the way he used to.
I tried to walk past him, to go back to the living room, but he wouldn’t move.
His face was so close to mine that I could smell his breath: the smell of pizza
and alcohol: gross.
"Josh, let me go watch TV," I begged. He didn’t say anything; he just looked me
in the eyes. He gave me a look that filled me with fear and desire.
Before I knew it we were on my bed, his tongue was in my mouth. It felt so good
to kiss him again, but half the time I was thinking of James. Then I realized
Josh didn’t bother to close the door. He must have been thinking the same thing,
because he got up. He left the room for a second. "James is passed out," he said
when he returned. "I think that vodka bottle is empty," Josh said as he shut the
door. Then he began to kiss me again. I was worried about James, but I guess not
enough, because I stayed put, in Josh’s arms.
"Don’t," I said when he reached for the zipper of my pants. But he didn’t
listen, so I slapped his hand away.
"Sorry," he said and got up. He sat on the opposite end of the bed. We sat there
awkwardly for a few minutes. I was about the leave, but he pulled me back and we
started kissing again. This time I only thought of James. I opened my eyes for
once and saw his face. He was standing in the doorway, looking stunned and
confused. I pushed Josh off me.
"Uhh, I think I’m gonna go, I told my dad I wasn’t going to be here long," he
said nervously. Then he stumbled away. When he was out of sight I heard him fall
on the floor and yell, "Shit!" So both Josh and I got up.
We helped James to his feet and got him to the couch. "Fuck, man, my dad will
get pissed if he knows I’ve been drinking again," James stammered. I got him a
glass of water.
"Just stay here," I said while offering him the glass.
"I’ll probably have to. I didn’t really tell me dad I would be home soon."
Josh started picking up all the bottles, I guess out of habit. I picked up our
plates and the empty pizza box.
"Would you like some more water?" I asked when I returned to the living room. He
nodded and handed me his glass. He drank it quickly, set it on the coffee table
in front of him, and then fell asleep. I got a blanket for him. As I placed the
blanket on him I stared at him for a few seconds. He was a peaceful sleeper.
Josh appeared and caught me staring at him,
"Andy?"
"Yes?"
"Never mind," Josh said and turned away. The phone rang and I immediately new it
was my mom. I picked it up after the second ring.
"Hi honey. Are you alright? I’m sorry we had to leave suddenly but your Aunt
Leslie needed us."
"Don’t worry about it, I’m fine. Josh and James are over, is that alright?"
"That’s fine sweetie," she answered, without bothering to ask who James was.
"Andy, honey I have to go now your aunt needs me."
"Okay, bye mom."
"Bye, goodnight. I love you."
"Love you too, mom." I hung up the phone. Josh was in the kitchen with me.
"Andy, I, uhh…I don’t want to come between you and James." I gave him a confused
look. "I know you like him, and I know he likes you too. And to be honest, the
whole time we were kissing I was thinking about Andrew."
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