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Rookie of the Year by Paul Byall

 
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Harry
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 9:00 am    Post subject: Rookie of the Year by Paul Byall Reply with quote

Rookie of the Year by Paul Byall

A real feeling of authenticity in this strange and simple story of two lost souls. There are some problems with dialogue. Some times the voices of Josh and Carl overlap, mostly because the characters are similar, and you really shouldn't put a reflexive passage like this in as a quote, ie: Carl laughed. “No, he wouldn’t. He’d be right here, wife or no wife.”

But on the whole the story rings true with a truly touching finale – it took a while to get Marybelle out of my mind.
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paul
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 9:52 am    Post subject: Rookie Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments, Harry. I agree that Carl's voice is too much like Josh's. I need to find a way to distinguish them. But I'm not sure why you think Carl's comment, "No, he wouldn't. He'd be right here, wife or nor wife.", should not be in quotes. I'd like to hear what others have to think about this.

Paul
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Harry
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 10:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Carl's comment is set in a style that permits the writer to interfere. Most writers will tell you that in dialogue the characters should speak to each other, not to the reader.
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paul
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 10:51 am    Post subject: Rookie of the Year by Paul Byall Reply with quote

Okay, Harry, now I see where you're coming from. I thought it was clear that Carl was replying to Marybelle. Marybelle said (to Josh) that if he had a wife he'd be home eating dinner, and Carl replied, "No, he wouldn't. He'd be right here, wife or no wife."

I'll have to look at it again to see why the confusion.
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ehsan elahi ehsan
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:39 am    Post subject: Rookie of the Year by Paul Byall Reply with quote

Paul you have created a memorable character in the form of Merrybell in a beautiful story telling of the pangs of the lonely souls.
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paul
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:52 am    Post subject: Rookie of the Year by Paul Byall Reply with quote

Thank you, Eshan. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Heidi
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:18 am    Post subject: your story Reply with quote

I also enjoyed your story a lot. I thought the characters of Josh and Marybelle were quite memorable it will take me quite awhile to get them out of my head!
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