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The Petty Mobile Phone by Ashwini Ahuja

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 11:58 am    Post subject: The Petty Mobile Phone by Ashwini Ahuja Reply with quote

The Petty Mobile Phone by Ashwini Ahuja

You've written a charming little story. It's very light weight and when it's over the reader realizes that nothing has been accomplished but he's had a good time anyway, and what more can a reader expect.

There are girls like Naina everywhere. Not all of them are whores, but while they can they use their equipment to get what they want.

The story reads as though you've had a tough time with idiomatic English, and in the genre you've chosen, idiomatic English is very important. It would have been easier for you, I think, if you had chosen a less 'petty' theme.
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Heidi
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Joined: 28 Feb 2004
Posts: 585
Location: Des Moines, IA

PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 12:23 pm    Post subject: your story Reply with quote

I liked this story, it's a fun flirty piece. At first man seemed to be the terrible one at first but then it became the girl at the very end. I liked that twist! I agree with Harry that idomatic English seems to give you quite a bit of trouble, but maybe with practice you will get better. Welcome to the Writers Voice I hope to read more of your work! Cool
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