- The Writers Voice - :: View topic - Dance Upon Earthen Stage by Adam Gilson

- The Writers Voice - Forum Index - The Writers Voice -
Everyone welcome to participate.
Let your voice be heard.
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Dance Upon Earthen Stage by Adam Gilson

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    - The Writers Voice - Forum Index -> Feedback Forum
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Harry
Site Admin


Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 6:01 am    Post subject: Dance Upon Earthen Stage by Adam Gilson Reply with quote

Dance Upon Earthen Stage by Adam Gilson

Well Adam, I must confess I saw it coming. I was hoping there would be a twist to the old story but I guess some things are inevitable. You've told it really well, and there's a hippy kind of lilt to the telling of it that is quite appealing. There's a few more typos in this one than in you first story. Was this one hot off the word processor?
_________________
We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
Ernest Hemingway
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 7:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will tell you what I find interesting.

Good ending...yes, it was a little predictable, but still good...


that I bought at a store from someone that was my first kiss and I think how well we acted out our parts of not knowing each other perfectly

Smile

Nice..
_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-- Dylan Thomas
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Adam Gilson
Poster Want-2-B


Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 8
Location: Ventura, CA

PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 11:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i had about 3 different endings, and didn't like any of them. i went with the more cliche one, sadly enough. originally, i had it end at "awful as the deafening silence of the ancient bellowing in my head." But i suppose i got a bit too...artsy fartsy as my mother would say.

live and learn, i suppose.

another thing i've learned is how hard it is to proof read "wall of text" sections. praise be to periods and paragraphs, no? hehe

so in all do you guys think it was cliche? or do you feel it had some "punch" to it? i tried something a bit different with how i went about writing it, and am wondering how it came through. i can take the criticism, i swear! Smile

thanks,

adam
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 12:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adam,

Harry is much better at this and I'm sure will provided further comment however for me the piece was too long the lack of punctuation adds to the thought process and was not really a problem for me but without more twists it's hard to follow thoughts of this nature ....that being said I did find parts interesting and because of that I stayed with it Wink


BTW, I believe there is a call for men writers in the 500 flash fiction forum....it’s great exercise… (hint, hint)
_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-- Dylan Thomas
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Harry
Site Admin


Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Speaking frankly, Adam I would say much of the introduction could be thrown away, and what little of a story there is takes forever to get started. It seems even longer than it is because of the absence of punctuation. Joyce wrote the last chapter of Ulysses this way and writers have been having a go at it ever since. It usually leaves the reader breathless and he forgets most of what he reads because can't pause to digest it.

There is a certain amount of unnatural literary affectation which gives me the impression that the piece should be set to music with a driving beat >>I can not care and she can not care because this cologne ... etc etc<<.

You're a good writer, Adam ... and you will get better. Just remember to write simply, have something to say and tell it like it is. Let me say with all due respect that I think it would be advisable for you to write in the third person. It's a great way to keep yourself out of the story.
_________________
We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
Ernest Hemingway
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    - The Writers Voice - Forum Index -> Feedback Forum All times are GMT - 7 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
The Writers Voice Forum
 
 
 


All Authors (hi-speed)    All Authors (dialup)    Children    Columnists    Contact    Drama    Fiction    Grammar    Guest Book    Home    Humour    Links    Narratives    Novels    Poems    Published Authors    Reviews    September 11    Short Stories    Teen Writings    Submission Guidelines




Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group