Joined: 14 Jan 2004
|Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2004 2:41 pm Post subject: Life's Labyrinth - Ofavon
|Wow! I like where you went with this, Ofavon.
A few suggestions: One of the world’s worse beginnings: The night was dark and dreary! You can cut the first sentence since the room was not really dark and empty.
Try: A single light hung from a black cord over a small wooden table. The small yellow glow illuminated the labyrinth parchment -- a bewildering maze of pathways. (or your own revision)
Another suggestion: Reluctantly, the old man followed the Gatekeeper as he was leaving the room….
The rest of the work is very good! I look forward to reading more of your work.