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View From the Fiction Shelf - Harry Buschman

 
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Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2004 9:08 am    Post subject: View From the Fiction Shelf - Harry Buschman Reply with quote

Great job, Harry. I never saw it coming (the ending)! Cool

The revisionist in me did pick up on a few things that I'd changed, but you know me. I particularly liked this part:

Sherman stood there transfixed. He even forgot the simple, "Hello Sharon." He must have made some sort of sound because she looked at him quickly, the electric blue of her eyes and her faint scent took the wind out of him. He simply smiled absently as a child might smile at something in a toy store he wanted but couldn't have.

I think I would have written:

Transfixed by the touch of her electric blue eyes, Sherman forgot his simple greeting, and

....well, you know. But, Harry, this is great!!!
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poet_smith
Poster Want-2-B


Joined: 04 Nov 2004
Posts: 5
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got about a third through and thought, ok, not too bad, maybe Sherman deserves a little more attention. Then I meet Shermanís mother and I have a new perspective. I donít know if I like him yet, but since Iíve invested this much, lets see what happens. Iím glad I stayed with it. In this short piece, Iíve gained an idea of who Sherman is and the circumstances of his simple life. All that angst wasted on Sharon; only to find out sheís married. I wonder how Sherman will take it? He wasnít handling it well at the end. All kinds of possibilities open up, and some of them are not very pleasant.

I liked the story. The only thing I might suggest is try to find a way to move the reader along a little faster in the beginning.
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