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Harry Buschman-Going First Class

 
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Heidi
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2004 2:33 pm    Post subject: Harry Buschman-Going First Class Reply with quote

I thought you're piece was very well written. I was quite surprised by the sudden violence at the end but in a way it seemed to fit the story. I was kind of wondering about what Andy and Helen's relationship was like before they were married. t.t.y.l. Cool
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2004 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a good question, Heidi. I don't think anyone knew them before they were married - maybe they were born married. Anyway, the story is written in first person and the information in it is limited to the knowledge of that first person, who was me in this case, and I wasn't around the town of Westlake Village before the war.

I can guarantee you this. It was not a shotgun wedding.
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dkneip
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Joined: 01 Jul 2004
Posts: 253
Location: California

PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 2:40 pm    Post subject: Harry's Post Office story - going first class Reply with quote

I love small towns, even though I've always lived in a big city. The people in small towns, for whatever reason, always seem to have more odd and different characteristics and priorities than big city folk. That's one reason why my stories never venture far from mostly make-believe towns with populations of around 40 - sometimes 20, all raccoons! Things are always much quirkier in small cities and the adventure is often more interesting.

So what a treat for me to stumble across this piece. The narrative and visual descriptions are unforgettable. This being my first Harry story, I'm totally impressed by the very colorful and somewhat twisted take on character depiction. The storyline and events are very plausible, if not altogether possible. And although I was unable to create an emotional connection between myself and the characters, their actions throughout the piece held my interest.

My suggestion: if I may be so bold, and no one knows this about me yet, but I like writers to add to their stories, especially if something is missing for me, even if it goes against the authors final processing of the story. In this case, an emotional tie to Helen, I feel, is warranted. If she goes nutty, I'll believe it based on the narrative to that point. But does it affect me? Who do I want to feel sorry for, Helen or Andy? Or both?

I would love to see more personal and internal struggles within Helen and Andy - more emotional substance (something I don't write very well, but am always in search of). I want to feel sorry for her, by the end, but I don't. To me, she's a grump who snaps. I wish there was some drama in her life, something more that I could grab onto emotionally, that would create in me a feeling of empathy for her. I think I missed that overall. A longer narrative? Yes. I certainly think you have the recipe here for a truly dramatic story. Adding a more emotional level between character and reader, I think, will keep your story from seeming like an unbiased newspaper article.

Still, I enjoyed reading this piece and was amazed and impressed with the character and scene description. Very happy I found this one!

Thank you.
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