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Immortality - Loyd David Burt

 
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 10:21 am    Post subject: Immortality - Loyd David Burt Reply with quote

This is good David. Your rhythm is off in places and this will cause your reader to lose concentration (stop and try to find the rhythm again). You don't want this and it would be easy to fix. For instance, verse 18:

are videos of where you have been, or what you have done yourself

two simple revisions will restore the rhythm

are videos of where you've been--what you have done yourself

There is some redundancy also. I think if you played with eliminating this, you could increase the overall impact, and be pleased with the results. Also, you could change a few words ...for example "that abstract wall"...changing "that" to "an" would enhance the abstractness of the wall...then in verse 7, changing "an abstract" to "obscureness" or another 3 syllable word would reduce some of the redundancy. I know that obscureness does not mean quite the same thing “an abstract”, but, it would be better than repeating abstract within the first few lines.

Also, (and I know I'm repeating myself), hard rhymes on every verse tend to make a poem appear sing-songish. I truly liked this work, and I think breaking your quatrains up a bit, allowing your rhymes to be AbAb (or even AbAc), would also increase the power of the message. You won't lose the rhythm, or the rhyme, but you'll have the benefit of enjambment to work with, and well, there are tons of benefits. This is really a great message. The search for immortality through writing is not new. It’s evident throughout Milton and Dickenson's work, so you've got some tough competition—tough, but not impossible.

I hope these suggestions help. I absolutely loved your ending!
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Daffyd
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Joined: 28 Oct 2004
Posts: 9
Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 5:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Linda for your critique and I agree in part that you have raised some valid points to which I will give some thought. From submission to actually seeing one's work in print can be quite startling. The format in which it appeared was not the format in which it was submitted thus on occasion making it look disjointed. This is not a complaint just an observation. By reformatting any work one can change the metre, the balance, the author's percetion.
Spondee, Amphibrachic Metre, Choriambics as you know are all forms of presentation. Iambic, Trochaic, and Anapaestic being a sort of .. Monometer. I was never into all that. I wrote as I thought, I rhymed my verse because I enjoyed the rhythm. It would appear that my forte followed the lie of Heroic couplets.

A form with very tight parameters,
Heroic Couplets use pentameters.
Their mood can vary - sad or dithyrambic;
Their metre, though, must always be iambic.
The purists (and the pendants) have ordained
Each couplet must be strictly self-contained;
The sentiment the starting line began
Completed in its all too narrow span.
But those that find this edict far too taxing
Adopt a mode that's far more relaxing;
And let (as I am doing now) their text
Spillover from one couplet to the next.
Such lofty eloquence must, clearly, rhyme,
Resounding with richly ringing chime
(Though most permit such verse at times to wear
A rhyme that greets the eye but not the ear).
The thought must be transparent - never muddied;
the tone - presise, astringent, brisk yet studied.

Such lesson did I learn from Martin Fagg
Alas conformity in verse was ne'er my bag.
I play the line out as one does when one is fishing
Your understanding is all that I am wishing.
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If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
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Clive
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 2189
Location: Calgary Alberta Canada

PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 6:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The disjointedness may be my fault or shall I blame it on the e-mail protocols that have a tendency to rewrap to a full blocks of text or one very long line that never end, all I can do is my best guess to space the poem out as I figured it might be. I am always open to changing any work that appears wrong on the site. I might start accepting .txt files again Perhaps this is a good candidate for the re-write section where the post may be corrected and reposted.
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>)))))))*> ~J
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Daffyd and Clive,

Thanks for your responses. Let's move this to:


http://www.writers-voice.com/Forum/viewforum.php?f=22


(Is that how to do it Clive?)
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Clive
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 2189
Location: Calgary Alberta Canada

PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 8:06 am    Post subject: Looks good Reply with quote

That’s good except for the [u] on the URL called for underlining when you wanted [url] [/url] this will be fun I am sure…

I corrected it for you...
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>)))))))*> ~J
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