- The Writers Voice - :: View topic - Mr. Joy in His Casket - Daniel Kneip

- The Writers Voice - Forum Index - The Writers Voice -
Everyone welcome to participate.
Let your voice be heard.
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Mr. Joy in His Casket - Daniel Kneip

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    - The Writers Voice - Forum Index -> Feedback Forum
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 12:15 pm    Post subject: Mr. Joy in His Casket - Daniel Kneip Reply with quote

Cute, Daniel! I'm curious. How long did it take you to write this? You're meter is off in a few places, and, I'd stick with the same refrain (still in his casket) at the end of each stanza...maybe continue altering the first few words only, but it's working well, why did you alter it? If you have trouble counting your feet, try, using your fingers to tap out each line. That really helps to stay consistent throughout the poem.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
dkneip
Master Poster Pro


Joined: 01 Jul 2004
Posts: 253
Location: California

PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 12:29 pm    Post subject: still in his casket Reply with quote

Hi Linda,

Thanks for the suggestions!

Please refer to my comments about Matthew Colley's "Cowards and Liars amidst Themselves". I just don't do poetry well!

I know the meter is off. I tried to make it consistent, but it just wasn't happening for me. Laughing Honestly, I didn't spend much time writing it. It was an itch, a theme that kept coming to my mind, and I just put it down on paper without much forethought.

I altered the last refrain of every stanza (look at me! I'm speaking in poetry terms!! Laughing ) to compliment the action within the stanza. Were you suggesting that aspect didn't work for you?
_________________
the coffee made me do it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 12:55 pm    Post subject: Re: still in his casket Reply with quote

dkneip wrote:
... Were you suggesting that aspect didn't work for you?


On the contrary, Daniel. I think it's working nicely. I only questioned why you ended the fourth and last stanza differently. I've got a few cheat sheets somewhere. Let me dig them out and I'll post more, if you're interested. It would be very easy to revise and give your poem the consistency that would allow it to become closed form. Free verse used to be the most popular, but poets seem to be swinging back to closed form. A sestina (a very closed rhyming poem), this past March, won 20,000 dollars! The highly awarded poem was about chocolate and contained absolutely no deep underlying meaning. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
dkneip
Master Poster Pro


Joined: 01 Jul 2004
Posts: 253
Location: California

PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 1:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Linda, please do post whatever help you can offer! As I said, poetry is not my forte. I need assistance with it, and you clearly have the knowledge! But do you have the time???!! I need A LOT of help!! haha Laughing
_________________
the coffee made me do it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Daniel, I'm on my way out the door right now, but I'll find some time tomorrow. I'm no expert either, but I do love literature and poetry above all. Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    - The Writers Voice - Forum Index -> Feedback Forum All times are GMT - 7 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
The Writers Voice Forum
 
 
 


All Authors (hi-speed)    All Authors (dialup)    Children    Columnists    Contact    Drama    Fiction    Grammar    Guest Book    Home    Humour    Links    Narratives    Novels    Poems    Published Authors    Reviews    September 11    Short Stories    Teen Writings    Submission Guidelines




Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group