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The Bonnet - Daniel W. Kneip

 
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
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Location: Texas

PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 12:22 pm    Post subject: The Bonnet - Daniel W. Kneip Reply with quote

Cute! I'm sure this was another quick one, Daniel, but with a little more work, it might be one worth keeping/publishing. However, I'd change the format. You wrote:


Hung out to dry
In the cold wintry night
Was a mostly peculiar bonnet.
T’was pinned to the line
One of mighty fine twine
With a note stuck surely upon it.

Consider the effect when the verses are written as standard ballad quatrains:

Hung out to dry In the cold wintry night
Was a mostly peculiar bonnet—
T’was pinned to a line of mighty fine twine
With a note stuck surely upon it.

The rest of the poem is cute, but I got lost trying to find the pattern and (at the same time) stay with the storyline. If you'll establish a pattern in the first quatrain, as the story unfolds, the impact on your reader will be greater—hence stay in their mind longer. With the volume of literature available and bombarding us today (via email and internet browsing), we'll have to work harder if we want our work to survive. It’s alright to change patterns in a poem, but only if the change actually reflects or “tells” something about the story. Additionally, you have several clichés (t'was, etc), but considering the story, most of them work for me. I'd change the title, though, just to hint at the narrator's character. Wink

Good job.
Linda
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dkneip
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Location: California

PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 11:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the feedback, Linda. Poetry is NOT my thing, but I enjoy the challenge of trying to write it.

Funny you mention it, I purposely did not format this poem into stanzas or quatrains (wish I knew what that was). I think I have a subconscious and rather insidious desire to sabotage my own work. Do you ever get that? Or am I just insane altogether? Laughing

Your suggestions though make great sense and you knew I wrote this poem in an awful hurry. I'm not good at sitting on things and thinking them over. Rather, I act more on impulse, right or wrong, good or bad. I guess the question is, what kind of a writer does that make me?

Anyway, the commentary is appreciated and very true -
Quote:
"we'll have to work harder if we want our work to survive."

Sometimes it only takes one voice to bring you back down to reality. I WILL take more time on my future poetry.

Can you suggest a poet, a rhyming one, that you enjoy, that you think I could learn from?

Thank you,

Daniel
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Linda
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

dkneip wrote:
Thanks for the feedback, Linda. Poetry is NOT my thing, but I enjoy the challenge of trying to write it.

Funny you mention it, I purposely did not format this poem into stanzas or quatrains (wish I knew what that was).

I think I have a subconscious and rather insidious desire to sabotage my own work. Do you ever get that? Or am I just insane altogether? Laughing

Your suggestions though make great sense and you knew I wrote this poem in an awful hurry. I'm not good at sitting on things and thinking them over. Rather, I act more on impulse, right or wrong, good or bad. I guess the question is, what kind of a writer does that make me?

Anyway, the commentary is appreciated and very true -
Quote:
"we'll have to work harder if we want our work to survive."

Sometimes it only takes one voice to bring you back down to reality. I WILL take more time on my future poetry.

Can you suggest a poet, a rhyming one, that you enjoy, that you think I could learn from?
Thank you,

Daniel


Hi Daniel,

A quatrain is a stanza of four lines, and while there are many variations, a ballad stanza is a rhyming quatrain (abcb), alternating four-stress and three-stress lines.

Line 1 (a)
Line 2 (b)
Line 3 (c)
Line 4 (b)

Line 2 and 3 (b and b) ryhme

Applying that your your poem:

Line 1: Hung out to dry In the cold wintry night (a)
Line 2: Was a mostly peculiar bonnet— (b)
Line 3: T’was pinned to a line of mighty fine twine (c)
Line 4: With a note stuck surely upon it. (b)

But, you seem to have a natural knack for rhythm and rhyme, so, just try to be consistent, unless you have a purpose. A good example for variation of form within a poem is An Urban Convalescence by James Ingram Merrill. In the poem, Merrill changes from open verse to close verse coinciding with his (or the the implied author's) exit from the open streets of New York into a closed house. Implied author is the narrator of the poem or story--they are not always the same as the author.

While I’m not aware of any subconscious or insidious desire (and how could I be) to sabotage my own work, I do sometimes push it, rather viciously, aside.

Regarding rhyming poets, I personally prefer the classics like John Milton, but there are many excellent contemporary poets to choose from. Let me think about it a bit, and I’ll get back to you.
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dkneip
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 12:48 pm    Post subject: i see Reply with quote

See Linda,

When you mentioned "having a reason" to change the consistency, I wasn't sure what that meant. With your illuminating example (closed and open verse to stress the point of being outdoors or in) I'm already further along than I was! Your keen sense of structure (what works and what fails) is pretty much the MAIN reason I would submit poetry here.

I hope that is seen as a compliment of the highest regard.

Thank you for the help, Linda!
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Linda
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 1:42 pm    Post subject: Re: i see Reply with quote

dkneip wrote:
...I hope that is seen as a compliment of the highest regard.

Thank you for the help, Linda!


You're welcome Daniel, and thank you for the compliment. Truly!

Regarding contemporary rhyming poets, I'm still thinking. I have a few books at home, but I'm not sure if their work is posted anywhere on the net. Truthfully, I listen to music from the 60’s and 70's (early rock and roll, country western, and easy listening). We had some brilliant poets from that time, and it remains to be seen which ones will show up as examples in future literature books. As for reading, I prefer the classics, like Milton, Emily Dickenson, Frost, and even Poe, although most critics view Poe as a rather bad American example. So, maybe I'm not the best person to ask. Wink

Linda
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Linda
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

dkneip wrote:
... Your suggestions though make great sense and you knew I wrote this poem in an awful hurry. I'm not good at sitting on things and thinking them over. Rather, I act more on impulse, right or wrong, good or bad. I guess the question is, what kind of a writer does that make me? ... Daniel


Actually Daniel, I think that makes you a very good writer, so, let's move this to:

http://www.writers-voice.com/Forum/viewforum.php?f=22

Linda
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