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Lola by Rachelle Arlin Credo

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
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Location: New York

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 6:01 am    Post subject: Lola by Rachelle Arlin Credo Reply with quote

Lola by Rachelle Arlin Credo

Your story is written with genuine affection and understanding. It is moving, particularly in the early section and later on the bus with the woman who resembles Lola. The ending is weaker. If this is non-fiction I don't want to hurt your feelings but it does get a little operatic.

I really think you should work on this. You need editorial help you slip from tense to tense, mis-use and overuse adjectives; (I moved slowly to their direction and eavesdropped blatantly.) But you've got a tiger of a story to tell don't let it get away.
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