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Closet Diaries

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 7:17 am    Post subject: Closet Diaries Reply with quote

Closet Diaries by Joanna Rozo

I wish I could comment more favorably on your story, Joanna. It has some great dialogue, particularly the three siblings together at the end. You've created some poignant scenes the one in the coffee house is a winner.

But you ramble, and seem to be anxious to leave before the climax comes. You don't set things up properly, for instance why are Andy's parents gone when Josh arrives, why are they left alone for the weekend. We never get to know Josh's sisters or his mother and father, and his grandfather has a walk-on part that could be played by anybody and most important of all, why are Josh and Andy no longer a twosome?

If this piece is new to you, I suggest you let it rest awhile and read it again in a week or so.
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Heidi
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Joined: 28 Feb 2004
Posts: 585
Location: Des Moines, IA

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 1:51 pm    Post subject: Closet Diaries Reply with quote

I liked this story at first, but towards the end I felt like it was way too long. Like Harry said I think you ramble a bit too much. I think you could clean it up a bit (less spaces in between sentences, spell check etc.) I liked the concept but I wished you could've given us a better portrait of Josh's family. What does the rest of his family (particularly sisters) think of him being gay? I know you alluded to this a little bit and it was a good start but I felt like it wasn't enough. As far as the grandpa I suggest either add more to that or take it our completely it doesn't add much to the story in my opinion. Please don't let my critique discourage you from submitting more pieces I just wanted to be honest and I've been in a similar positon (writing a story that needed a lot of editing but had a good concept.) Cool
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