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Unforgettable Night by Heidi Yang

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
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Location: New York

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 8:49 am    Post subject: Unforgettable Night by Heidi Yang Reply with quote

What a world we live in. Is life so insolvable that we can't see its promise, its beauty and its possibilities?

You were only a year away from graduation, from your senior prom from the excitement of going away to college, and all you could think of was suicide!

What worm in today's existence forces the young into the care of psychiatrists, steals their natural buoyancy and optimism and make them want to end their life with the first instrument that comes to hand.

I think we'd like to hear what the shrink had to say, Heidi
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Heidi
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Joined: 28 Feb 2004
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Location: Des Moines, IA

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: my story Reply with quote

thanks for your comments. I regret to say that I can't remember what the shrink said. By the way my mom was surprised but more in the way of why didn't you tell me sooner? rather than Oh my god. I also welcome any suggestions for improvement or expansion. Since I'm using this for a class (or hope to) I need to expand the length it's at.
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Harry
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 6:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all I like it as a confession, and I like the fact that it's aimed, not only at your age group but readily understood by someone of any age. What bothers me, (and maybe by the instructor who reads and grades it) is that it has no beginning or end. You don't suggest what your deeper problem may have been and what solutions the psychiatrist may have prescribed. Your reader is left wondering what the real reason was after reading ...

"Our family was used to going therapists, my mom went to one every week and I went when I was younger."

... you've set up a slight area of mistrust between writer and reader. Normal people, even teenagers don't resort to suicide when their friends graduate ahead of them ...


"I wondered what I was going to do without any my close friends, especially my friend Zac."

... you set up warning signals in the readers mind with a statement like ...


"What depressed girl with access to sharp objects wouldn't take the opportunity to do such a thing?"

You see what I'm driving at, Heidi? The normal person, reading this, might draw the conclusion that the real problem has yet to be faced and conquered.

On a technical standpoint I think your paragraphs are too long. Remember, "one thought per paragraph" that's not a strict rule, but it's a good one to keep in mind. There's also some clumsy sentences that need editing.
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Heidi
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Location: Des Moines, IA

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 3:51 pm    Post subject: comments Reply with quote

Thanks for the advice Harry, I was wondering if I can't remember what the therapist said (or not exactly) should I just use what I remember? I don't want to make up too much since I'm using this for a nonfiction class. I get what you're saying and I'll try to work on the other problems.
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