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Robyn Rose - Looting in Irak

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2004 7:20 am    Post subject: Robyn Rose - Looting in Irak Reply with quote

Good story! Lots of color and integrity in the words, even if at times they are not well put together. What it needs, I think, is a more positive conclusion to the struggle between honesty and opportunism.
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 11:16 am    Post subject: Looting in Irak - Robyn Rose Reply with quote

I agree with Harry Robyn. This is good. But, I think you've got too much going on in the first two paragraphs. I had to reread them twice before I could follow the story. You want to be able to catch your reader in the first paragraph, or you might lose them.

You wrote:

The sun scorched the bitumen. A luminescent glow turned the road into a river.

I confess. At first, I thought you were referring to a military man (bitumen). I had to look the word up to understand you were referring to the asphalt. This is not good. You'd lose the ordinary reader who (like me) ain't got a whole bunch of book learning. Wink


Consider something like:


Sounds of market squabble and anxious bargaining, [intermingled] with the peppered gunfire, explosions and screams. Yassir tried to cover his mouth and nose with the corner of his soiled shirt. But, as the thick black smoke, sour sweat and some other unfamiliar smell saturated the corner of his thin shirt, he ran Ö


That paragraph, or your own revision, tells the ordinary reader from the beginning where you're at, what's going on, and what to expect.

I felt the tension throughout most of the story and that's the mark of good writing. Good job, Robyn!

Linda
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robyn
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 2:46 pm    Post subject: Llooting in Irak Reply with quote

That is a great paragragh, Linda, but it's yours. I will fiddle with the first two para's, thanks. I was going for the running sound in my sentences.
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Robyn
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 2:47 pm    Post subject: Looting in Irak Reply with quote

Thanks Harry, I have fixed the grammar boo boos.
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2004 9:00 am    Post subject: Re: Llooting in Irak Reply with quote

robyn wrote:
...I was going for the running sound in my sentences.


I noticed that Robyn, and I felt the sound, but the first paragraph confused me. I thought the guy was somewhere out in combat...then, when you put him in the middle of a city, you threw me off. I had to reread the first two paragraphs several times and you don't want this. Most people are not reading to critique (they donít want to reread anything), so, you want to grab them as quickly as possible, and then hold them until they reach the end.

But, this is really good--I look forward to the revisions.

Linda
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