Joined: 14 Jan 2004
|Posted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 7:55 am Post subject: This Poets Prayer - Johanna Albee
This is good. It reminds me of some of my own writing. I'd like to make a couple of suggestions that may make your poem easier to read and more effective.
Try breaking your stanza's up (allowing an AbAb rhyme scheme)
Standing on the poetic shoreline
as the words roll in a sentimental tide.
I bare my naked soul to you,
in my writings I cannot hide.
Standing humbly before your eyes,
trembling hands display my essence.
Praying it will envelope your mind,
remaining without obsolescence...
And, I think I'd look at some of the connectives (try removing them, dashes can be used for rhythm and will emphasize points more clearly. For example, you wrote:
The words that I present to you
are unpolished and unrefined.
Not a captive to conformity,
as the bat they are flying blind.
Words that I present to you--
unpolished and unrefined--
Are not captive to conformity
Connectives are not necessary in poetry. Remember, poetry is the highest form of literature--a little should go a long way!
But, this is great and I'd can't wait to read the final revision. As in all great poetry, though the poem reads: Unpolished and unrefined, all poets will know it is actually highly polished and highly refined!