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This Poets Prayer - Johanna Albee

 
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 7:55 am    Post subject: This Poets Prayer - Johanna Albee Reply with quote

Hi Johanna,

This is good. It reminds me of some of my own writing. I'd like to make a couple of suggestions that may make your poem easier to read and more effective.

Try breaking your stanza's up (allowing an AbAb rhyme scheme)

For example:

Standing on the poetic shoreline
as the words roll in a sentimental tide.
I bare my naked soul to you,
in my writings I cannot hide.

Standing humbly before your eyes,
trembling hands display my essence.
Praying it will envelope your mind,
remaining without obsolescence...



And, I think I'd look at some of the connectives (try removing them, dashes can be used for rhythm and will emphasize points more clearly. For example, you wrote:

The words that I present to you
are unpolished and unrefined.
Not a captive to conformity,
as the bat they are flying blind.

Try:

Words that I present to you--
unpolished and unrefined--
Are not captive to conformity
...

Connectives are not necessary in poetry. Remember, poetry is the highest form of literature--a little should go a long way!

But, this is great and I'd can't wait to read the final revision. As in all great poetry, though the poem reads: Unpolished and unrefined, all poets will know it is actually highly polished and highly refined! Wink

Linda
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