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I Desire More - Johanna Albee

 
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2004 1:17 pm    Post subject: I Desire More - Johanna Albee Reply with quote

Ok, Johanna, this is good, but let me remind you of another rule of poetry. You don't want to knock someone over the head with your thought. If you want "I desire more" to be a repeating line, fine, but change the title. Why not "A Reflection of You" or something less subtle. Next, try to avoid redundancy. Look at the words "love you" in the leading lines of the fourth and fifth stanza. Change one of them, maybe "satisfy you" or "adore you", but you'll lose your reader if you overwhelm them with the same thought. Although "make love to you" and "love you" have different meaning, the connation is the same and a casual reader will sicken of the image long before they finish reading. Next, try to use words that illicit the taste/smell/feel of what you are saying. For instance: instead of "fragrant skin", name the fragrant...make the reader smell what you are trying to describe. And watch your action verbs. In the first stanza, you mention the sensation of "touch", but your verses in that stanza refer to "smell".

Finally, there are a lot of words that could be omitted without losing the meaning or power of the poem...look at each line, and think...what could I leave out? What is unnecessary? What is redundant? What will make the casual reader tire? Where can I cut it without losing the effect?

Let me know if these suggestions help. I really like the final stanza! I would, however, omit "our" in the 2nd verse, and "now" in the final.

Good job!!! I look forward to any revisions!

Linda
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JAlbee
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Joined: 15 Oct 2004
Posts: 7
Location: Rockford, Illinois

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2004 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks again Linda Very Happy

I will look it over and see what drop etc.

Johanna
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JAlbee
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Joined: 15 Oct 2004
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Location: Rockford, Illinois

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2004 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well it seems I can leave words that are needed out in here *laugh
Of course I meant see what 'to' drop. Now if I can just do that in my poetry. *laughing*

Johanna
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2004 2:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JAlbee wrote:
... Now if I can just do that in my poetry. *laughing*

Johanna


You can do it. I've got confidence in you, and after a while it will become second nature!

Linda
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