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Ring - Janice Wu

 
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 9:57 am    Post subject: Ring - Janice Wu Reply with quote

Good story, Janice. You have some transitional problems (it is difficult to follow your story when you jump from scene to scene without a transitional sentence or two), and a little too many "fancy" words, but these problems can be fixed easily. Also, I think you need to reread it carefully. There are several places where you’ve omitted words, or repeated them. I'm running a little late this morning, but I'll post examples later.

Linda
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Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 1:54 pm    Post subject: Ring - Janice Wu Reply with quote

Hi Janice,

First, let me say, again, that I really enjoyed your story. But, I had to wade through a lot of unnecessary stuff to GET to the story. That’s not good. You’ll lose most readers. And, get rid of the big words. A “mellifluous French Ballad” and “exotic, milky cremas” in the beginning, did not impress me with the protagonist’s education or taste, but rather his “putting on airs.” And why would his date/fiancé asked him to tell her “the story again”? You make her sound like a starry eyed kid. But, later, we are introduced to a smart sensitive young lady with enough intelligence and perception to help a troubled boy overcome a very tragic accident. Can you see the contradiction in her character? You’ve got a very serious and beautiful story, why frame it with clichés and big words?

Regarding transition, there are several places that need help. You wrote:

(She's listened to this tale numerous times, yet she yearns to hear it periodically. Mind-blowing. What am I thinking, he chided myself, there is no way she is going to forgive me after all I did. )

Then, immediately after this, in the same paragraph, you have him:

(Driving past the fifth gas station a bakery, he pondered how the pungent smell of gas caused the aroma of bread even more enticing. He sailed past a jewelry shop and his high school.)

I was confused. He was sitting in a restaurant, getting ready to tell a story, then you have him driving past a gas station. Give the reader a little clue that you are now beginning to tell the story.

And, btw, why would he think that his date would never forgive him? She’s the one who helped him overcome the tragic accident.

One more thing—you never want your ending to sound contrived. I like how you brought the ending right back to the beginning, but it sounded artificial.

I hope these suggestions help. Remember, be true to your protagonist's character throughout the story. If he starts out smart, he ends up smart. They can have epiphanies, but even those are seen within the intellectual ability of the protagonist from the beginning.

This is reallly a good story! I look forward to the revisions.

Linda
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