- The Writers Voice - :: View topic - Hand Grenades - Jean Haire

- The Writers Voice - Forum Index - The Writers Voice -
Everyone welcome to participate.
Let your voice be heard.
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Hand Grenades - Jean Haire

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    - The Writers Voice - Forum Index -> Feedback Forum
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Harry
Site Admin


Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 4:35 pm    Post subject: Hand Grenades - Jean Haire Reply with quote

Beautifully told, Jean - without rush and completely under control. You seem in complete control of yourself as well. I think a more personal title would help the story a little, and I think it would be wise to establish your first person point of view right from the start, the first paragraph seems a little detached from what follows. The dialogue could be humanized some to keep it from sounding too much like the narrative. John seems out of character when you give him a line like this to speak ... >>"Nothing is more calming than exacting the revenge that I deserve in real life on these fake people in my game. "<<

But you've got a great story here with an important message - it may not bring John back but it can bring some positivity to a terrible loss.
_________________
We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
Ernest Hemingway
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Linda
Site Admin


Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Jean,

I read through your story this afternoon also. I agree with Harry. In fact, before I read his critique tonight, I circled your fourth paragraph and drew a line to the top. This is how I normally cut and paste my own stories. I'd start the story there. All of the information above that can be filtered in later, or maybe even cut. Later in the story, you show his inner turmoil excellently; so cutting those first three paragraphs will allow your reader to get straight to the heart of the matter. You've got a powerful message here, Jean, and the world needs to hear it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    - The Writers Voice - Forum Index -> Feedback Forum All times are GMT - 7 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
The Writers Voice Forum
 
 
 


All Authors (hi-speed)    All Authors (dialup)    Children    Columnists    Contact    Drama    Fiction    Grammar    Guest Book    Home    Humour    Links    Narratives    Novels    Poems    Published Authors    Reviews    September 11    Short Stories    Teen Writings    Submission Guidelines




Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group