Joined: 14 Jan 2004
|Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:29 am Post subject: Loves Apology - Vincent Oxford
Another good one and I loved the ending. A few suggestions: watch your connectives and I’d like to see more show that tell. For example:
you leave me bewildered, knocked flat
the question asked, while prone on my face:
am I madly in love?
or victim to some immature crush?
I’d like to see bewilderment...
your hair escapes it's noose
it lands on your shoulders, behind your shoulders, before your shoulders
pretty tangles occupy us both
What color hair? What texture? Use our senses, make the reader feel, taste, smell...
and while I admit to that I'm in love
it's only for a word
Again, watch your connectives. You could easily condense both of those verses with "in love with love"
for I'm not elated, joyful or delighted,
quite glum in fact and somewhat disheartened
and if this is love
i demand a refund, and suitable compensation
for what has befallen me
Again, show, don't tell..
Good work, Vincent!