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An Inspiration (Rewrite of Muse)-David Rothman

 
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Heidi
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 2:55 pm    Post subject: An Inspiration (Rewrite of Muse)-David Rothman Reply with quote

Dave, I liked your rewrite even better! You managed to keep the same concept but by changing a few things (like not using so much name dropping) you made the story even better in my opinion. Cool
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dkneip
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Joined: 01 Jul 2004
Posts: 253
Location: California

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 5:54 pm    Post subject: good job Dave! Reply with quote

Hi Dave..

There was something very awesome that happened at the end of this story that impressed me.. and it has everything to do with the way you pulled me into the story (even on a re-write) and brought me along for the journey.

You created in my mind a number of things..

1. The eagerness of a writer to find his stroke again..
2. The calm yet puzzling atmosphere surrounding the woman..

I felt connected to your main character. When the woman walks away, and he's alone with the barista, I too had questions about the woman - where she came from, what her story was, what her future was.. You pulled me into the drama completely.

I was sitting in silence wondering about her.

And.. the part I liked the best, you say: "Suddenly I heard the roar of rush hour traffic and saw people bustling.."

And I snapped out of my curious daze. That line had a tremendous affect on me - not sure if it was in the original.. but it really hit me this time! It was like, WAKE UP DANNY! It brought me back into the real world and made me anxious for the next time I would be with these characters.

Rereading this, I'm not sure any of this makes sense, (and that's almost always to be expected coming from me) but I liked this version alot! Very nicely and smoothly written.

Daniel
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DaveR
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1338
Location: Los Angeles

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Heidi and Daniel for your feedback. I hoped that the rewrite was an improvement. Normally I wouldn't post a rewrite but Harry's and your feedback, Daniel, on the original pointed out where it needed work. Now the original seems so primitive.

Heidi, as Harry mentioned, the name dropping had to be deleted. Glad you agreed. Daniel the line you mentioned wasn't in the original, but I thought the end had to be clarified more than it was.

It's amazing how even a small piece can be tweaked to improve it. I haven't reached the stage of writing where I can notice my deficiencies, and feedback only helps to improve things. Even negative feedback.
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 8:17 am    Post subject: Re: good job Dave! Reply with quote

Wow, this was good Dave. And who said chemicals have nothing to do with the creative ability of writers? Wink

Like Daniel, I was completely absorbed in the character’s turmoil, and I also snapped back into reality when, "Suddenly I heard the roar of rush hour traffic and saw people bustling.."

Great story! There are a few places that I would have shifted to present tense to heighten the moment, but this was truly good.

Linda
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dkneip
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Joined: 01 Jul 2004
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Location: California

PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 11:04 pm    Post subject: yes.. Reply with quote

Linda, since you brought this story back into recent memory, I was reflecting that I never got to post this one thought:

To Dave..

I think it takes a lot of courage to submit your work, in a sense, let it free to breath on it's own. Then watch it stand before a firing squad, if you will, and when it comes limping back home to a writers loving arms, you retool it. Rework it. Make it what it needed to be. Fill in the holes left by the firing squad, hopefully made for the benefit of the story.

And then you resubmit it.

This rewrite is HUGE, Dave!! As are the passion to learn and the nerve to follow through. I'm proud of your effort.

Sincerely,
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