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Julia Merlin’s Recipe
by
Ofavon
(The prompt was a picture of Julia Child giving a cooking lesson - wearing a witches hat.)
One large onion, yes. Chop it real fine. yes. Mix it well in
a heavy bottomed 3 qt. saucepan, yes. Add a tbs curry - where did I put the
curry powder? Oh damn! now I can’t find the broccoli?
I should know better. You have to have everything ready, right here at your
side. If you don’t you’re going screw the whole thing up somewhere down the
line. Like the butter, I was supposed to melt the butter in the saucepan before
I did anything else. Now look! I’ve got the onions simmering in the saucepan
before I put the butter in. It ain’t for nothin’ I’m wearin’ a dunce cap.
Oh, for Heaven’s sake! Look what I’ve done now! I’ve set the damn cookbook on
fire. Nothing’s gone right all day.
“Igor! Where are you, Igor?” Honestly that gnome is never around when you want
him ... “There you are, you ugly little dwarf -- what are you doing? You’re not
eating that bat are you? No? Good. Now put it down and listen to me. You’re
waiting table tonight, Igor. I want you to be inconspicuous, you understand --
no gawking at the lady’s cleavage, and wear clean rags, understand. While the
people are eating you are to go back in the kitchen and stay there until I call
you. You can hang from the ceiling if you want to, but you’ve got to be
Johnny-on-the-spot when I call you.”
“We’ll need fresh candles in all the skulls -- and flowers -- go pick some
flowers from the King’s garden, he’ll never miss them. We’ll have wine -- the
last cask of Amontillado. You’ll find it under my bed. Now hurry, Igor, I’ve got
too much to do to answer your idiotic questions.”
Now back to the recipe. Was that a teaspoon or a cup of pepper? Oh well, best
not to err on the short side I always say. There must be music too, Equal
amounts, I think of Johann Sebastian Bach and Edith Piaf - something for
everybody. The King and the Crown Prince will go for the Bach and the Queen will
probably like Edith Piaf. They’ll all like the wine I’m sure. Hope they like the
bouillabaisse -- it’s so hard cooking for other writer’s characters, you never
know what they like.
Look at this place! What a mess I’ve made. “Igor! Come down from the ceiling and
clean up this room. Now! I said. Not later. Now! ... and I want those tin plates
to shine.”
The End
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