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The Plumbers


Rusty Broadspear

Booked for five, arrived seven thirty

No apology, dishevelled and dirty.

He stood at the door with a wrench and brown case,

A length of pipe and a smile on his face.

You should have come sooner, I hope you can swim.

I tugged on his arm and pulled him in.

Normally Im clean and the house is quite posh

But when we got to the kitchen, the place was awash.

I told him the trouble started under the sink.

He stood there mesmerised as if unable to think.

From then, the day went dreadfully downhill,

When he remarked that Id receive a sizable bill.

Donning a wet suit, snorkel and flippers

He dived under the water brandishing grippers.

Seems like ages later, when up he popped

And said the source of the leak I think I have stopped.

The water by now lapped at my chest

So I gave him a snarl, as I wasnt impressed.

I swam round him in circles and called him a chump.

So he waded right out and came back with a pump.

At midnight, utensils and filth littered the floor.

He gave me the bill, which I chose to ignore,

And asked, Have you seen the film, Dumb and Dumber?

Well youre dumber than most, Mr. Expensive Plumber.

I picked up his wrench and stoved in his head.

He fell into the filth and he looked quite dead.

He came around later and called me a gutsy lady, you see.

Thats why twenty years later we sit sharing tea.

When he was discharged from hospital we soon got wed

And together weve spun lifes silken thread.

I know hes not dumb, cos hes a plumber, you see,

And the money he brings home, makes a very happy me.

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